Whatever

Cut and Paste

2011-07-20T07:42:00.000-07:00

In my attempt to get back to my writing, I spent most of the afternoon staring at a story that I've decided to revise since it's the subject matter is a little lighter than some of the others. But all I managed to do all afternoon, was move the order of the story around.

I can tell there are some structural issues. Other than that, I'm stuck. I'll just keep plugging away today though, as that's really the only choice I have if I actually want to make any progress to speak of. You know you're stuck, when you spend hours just cutting and pasting. If I want to look at this from an optimistic viewpoint, at least I could tell I needed to move things around. That's something, right?

Other ways that I'm feeding my soul....leaving town with Connie up to my mom's for a few days of nothing but beach, sand, drinks, books and deck time.

I'm ready.

Time to Dust off the Keyboard

2011-06-30T11:59:00.000-07:00

I've turned into a blogging slacker. For a time, I would get to this blog every morning and use it as a warm up for my writing day at work. I'm vowing to get back to now, as after all my years of thinking and plotting, I truly am going to start writing my book. I have lots of stories and what I do know is that writing as always saved me.

Has always helped me express myself and deal with things that may be bothering me.

And I trust it will happen again. If I just let myself go and write my heart out. It's my passion and if I could make a living as an author, I'd be the happiest person on the planet. And I'm not exxarating.

Putting in this public blog to give myself a sense of accountability. The blog needs re focus and take new shape anyway.

Not sure what that will be. I'm just happy for now, that I'm typing on a keyboard with the intent to have work produced.

Heading North after work with some good friends and I'm really looking forward to it. They're the kind of friends that feel like family.

Happy 4th of July weekend to all.

Memorial Day Weekend- Bam Summer is Here

2011-05-31T10:43:00.000-07:00

If Memorial Day is the official kick off to summer, then I kicked it off wearing a steel toed boot while holding a mug of beer.

One giant perk of my corporate ad gig is something that management calls Summer Fridays.
Summer Fridays are you guessed it, Fridays during the summer months that we can take off.
Every other from now till Labor Day.

My weekend started Thursday night then with drinks at my favorite bar, The Black Lotus with the original Black Lotus friends. :)

Friday morning I woke up and managed to drag myself to the gym. Wasn't feeling too good but managed to get my house cleaned up a bit. Rested for the afternoon and then Becky came over and we went to dinner at Zumba and then we watched, Hangover 2.

Saturday morning was still feeling a little off and since the weather wasn't cooperating, Connie and I changed our nature hike into a trip to the movies. We saw, The Lincoln Lawyer. My review is that it was a pretty good movie.

After that we did some window shopping and I found a new beach hat for the summer.

Home after that to head to Zosia's birthday party. Stayed just a few hours because I had to get up early Sunday for a Wedding brunch in Ann Arbor.

Sunday morning, I woke up got dressed up and drove to Kim and Tom's to ride along to Ann Arbor. Yolanda and her boyfriend Nestor got married in the woods. I wasn't invited to the actual wedding but came later for the post wedding brunch. Came home and rested on the couch just for a bit.

Then it was off to an impromtou dinner and drinks visit with Jan and Greg and Trevor on their deck.

Ignoring the tornado warning, I just hopped in the car and went with it.

Steak dinner and lots of conversation later, I headed home.

Monday morning brought sunshine for Memorial Day. Headed to Pam's Memorial Day Parade Party with my brothers in tow. It was nice spending time with them and on Memorial Day.

Home for a short nap after that, and then off to Kim and Tom's for a BBQ.

Very fun and hot. :)

All in all, I feel like I crammed a few summer weekends into one.
Can't wait to see what else the summer brings. If all the weekends are like this past one, my laundry may never get done.

And that's ok.

A Friendship in Summary

2011-05-03T13:30:00.000-07:00

The funny thing about friendship is it’s truly a sum of its parts kind of deal. You don’t catalog this or that. You just accept what is about your friend and take it in stride.

Strange that after one dies and I think of her in a collection of character traits. Like how when we would go for our daily walks, Nevada (that’s her name) she’d always stoop down to pick up loose change. Even pennies. Most people wouldn’t bother. But Nevada would always scoop it up like it was a gold coin and say, “Hey, it’s money isn’t it? I’m not too proud to pick it up.”

Nevada was brave, strong, vibrant, strong willed, compassionate, a hater of small talk, and a lover of flowers, plants of walking outside, of a cold beer on a patio.

Afflicted with a rare brain disease called, Moyamoya that killed her.

Before she died, she lived a full life.

And I was lucky enough to part of that life. Our paths crossed in the winter of 2006. We were both copywriters for Ford Motor Company’s ad agency. Most writers aspire to write more than car slogans… and this was definitely the case with Nevada. She self published one book and was in the middle of writing her second one when she died.

And myself for that matter. But this story isn’t about me. Not really. I was just along for the ride. A friendship for the ages—that lasted only four years.

She and I shared some similar personality traits: We’d never stop talking, we loved to write, to drink beer, both steadfastly loyal to those we loved, and a wicked sense of humor.

Me though, I will say even to strangers on the sidewalk or when a new person would walk by Nevada and mine’s desk… Nevada used to tease me, asking me why was I talking to them? They didn’t know me.

We used to joke about how when we got old, we’d both be at the nursing home and I’d be saying hi to everyone and Nevada would be grumpily telling everyone to go away.

It’s a wonder then how we even became friends in the first place. Perhaps I wore her down or she learned I wasn’t as much as a dork as I perhaps originally appeared.

I can’t be sure what it was, but I am just glad it is so.

Assorted Thoughts

2011-04-03T14:11:00.000-07:00

I've got some random thoughts on mind, so this blog will be random as well.
Just a little warning before we get started.

1. Sunday dinner is in the oven. I try to make a big dinner on the weekends and then I have the leftovers during the work week. Plus, I have more time to enjoy the cooking on the weekend. Tonight's feast is roasted pork loin, roasted carrots and an actual potato that is baked in the oven. It tastes so much better than when you microwave them.

2. I hate the word webinar and any word that comes before or after it. It is just a fake word that makes one crazy.

3. I've got to continue my decluttering this week. Spring cleaning can be liberating.

4. Enjoying my new Adele cd that just arrived. Why I ordered an actual cd, I can't remember right now but the good news is, I can listen to it my car. The only place left that I actually own a cd player.

5.I'm sick of winter. I'm sick of faux winter. As much as adore my flannel sock monkey sheets and my fleece pajamas, I'm tired of wearing them. Time to retire those flannel sheets and open the windows, to let the sunshine and spring air in.
Hurry Up Spring!

6. Looking forward to the last season of Friday Night Lights. A great show that is highly under-rated. I think I can get the whole season on dvd on Tuesday. Or I can hold out for Netflix. Probably the smarter choice.

7. Household chores and laundry also being completed this weekend. Not fun, but feels good after it's done.

Time to go. Dinner's ready.

Not for the Faint at Heart

2011-03-30T08:09:00.000-07:00

Grief is changing. I'm finding it's always present but at least it has the decency to take a background chatter/ache some days. Then other times out of nowhere, when you dared to smile and laugh for just a minute.... it slams hard and takes over your whole body.

Now, I should have seen this one coming. I bought a memorial keepsake ring with the intended purpose of storing a small amount of my dad's ashes inside. No one would ever know.

But it should be him, as I've already had his initials engraved on the inner band. I can't very well store somebody else in there.

The ring arrived very quickly after I ordered it.
Great deal on a classic looking ring from deaddad.com. (Kidding).

Anyway, the ring came with a mini funnel and crazy glue to fill and then secure the tiny opening after. That in itself made me laugh for some reason. It's all so absurd.

I mentally steeled myself, and got out the directions. After carefully lifting the lid on my dad's urn, (a cookie jar for those that don't know), I scooped out some ashes.

Spooned them into the tiny hole with a plastic spoon and... drum roll.... nothing.

The ashes are very fine, but apparently they are no match for the tiny funnel.
They were still too big to fall down into the ring opening.

What could I do? I simply packed everything up, poured a beer and vowed to try another time.

It got me thinking though. Maybe I'd just keep the ring, sans dad. I will still wear it in his honor. But maybe he doesn't need to live inside my ring that I wear.

This isn't a question that can really be solved. Every one is different, and what works for some may not be suited for you.

And any choice is yours to make. Because that's the thing about grief. Books can be written, stories can be shared,but at the end of the day, grief I'm finding is really a path we all have to travel on alone.

Yes, we need lots of help, love and support along the way, but the ultimate healing must come from yourself.

This morning, I'm contemplating my ring. To fill or not to fill?

And the bigger question, where to take my dad to set him free?

I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to spend eternity on bookshelf in a Shamrock covered cookie jar.

You Don't Always Get What you Want. But Sometimes You Get What you Need.

2011-01-07T08:12:00.000-08:00

Allow me to explain. When I was about five or six, so we're talking 1978 or 1979, I asked Santa Claus for a Ken doll for Christmas. Barbie needed some arm candy. Fast forward to Christmas morning, and there under the tree was a Ken shaped box. Imagine my thrill as I tore through the paper to find the Purple fringed doll above.

Confused, I ask, "What is this?" Why did Santa bring me this doll?" Where's Ken?"
My mom told me: "That's Donny Osmond. He's better than Ken."

My Barbie dated Donny Osmond for years.

I have often re-told this story to my mom's chargin. She has heard it many times over the years. Most recently while out to dinner with my oldest friend Connie.

It's now Christmas 2010 and I am worried, and sad. Wondering how I'll feel on my first Christmas without my dad. As is tradition, we open one gift on Christmas Eve.

I opened mine to find a brand new Ken. Complete with "real hair." (pictures to follow shortly).

My mom had intended the present as a joke, but what she actually gave us was a gift.

A reason to laugh and to have fun at this first somber Christmas.

We spent the next few days posing Ken particapting in things we were doing as a family.

And as a way to document my adventures with Ken, I'll start using this space to share my new adventures with Ken.

2011- Day 1

2011-01-01T18:13:00.000-08:00

One of my goals for 2011, is to write again. This is a big improvement over last year, where my sole resolution was to not commit suicide.

Since today is the very first day of the new year, it seemed to be a good time to get writing, even if today it is only this blog entry.

I survived my first set of holidays without my dad and my second without my dear friend Nevada. Both of those things seem surreal. I'm cleaning out clutter though to get mentally geared up to do many things this year. Self publish a story collection, (sounds less imitating than writing a book), getting back to the gym and exercise (we will take it one day at time), but considering I had cereal and a glass of wine for dinner, today doesn't seem to be the day. (Let's be honest and two cookies). :)

Hoping to continue traveling this year as nothing sets my spirit free, like new air when I wake up someplace new.

Plan to focus on getting a new job where I don't dread going in to work, all while enjoying the plethora of vacation time the current job allows.

Today, I bought a new computer battery as what good is a laptop that can't leave the house for fear of being disconnected from the power outlet? And I did make it to the grocery store.

May 2011 bring me love, laughter, gym adventures, writing material, good writing, good beer, good friends, a great family, a chance to wear all my cute old clothes again, a few vacations, and a lot less pain than the end of 2009 and the entire 2010.

Love to all that read this. I hope we can take this journey together.

My GPS is fired up for our adventures.

Thanksgiving 2010

2010-11-23T10:41:00.000-08:00

Below is a repost of my Thanksgiving, 2007.

Turkeys Come Home

Happy Thanksgiving!

It's pre turkey and I've already had a nap. I'm hungry and going to drink wine.

I'm thankful that my dad and my uncle joe are here.* I shall try to focus on happy things today.

I've arrived up north. Tis the quiet before the bird.

Till Later.

*Thankful we had them as long as we did, although no time would be long enough.
Looking forward to feasting and drinking.

Wednesday Ramblings

2010-10-13T10:59:00.000-07:00

It's unfortunate that this is most needy I've ever been in my life, and yet I hit a wall with friends. The availability just really isn't there.

It has forced me to be even more independent. And to seek out those that can see me on a whim. Mostly those people are my Nevada friends.
Which are certainly mine by now, but I use that descriptor as a way to explain who they are.

I needed those people that suffered as much as me, and I also need people who are not grieving, for breaks when needed. But I have had to adjust and because of that, I have to make some rules for myself for self preservation.I've stopped asking people to hang out. No matter if the reason is as valid as anything in the world, I can't keep getting rejected. It just adds sting to an already open wound. It's not intended as punishment, but rather a coping mechanism. I simply can't wait around for people to throw the little scraps of time my way. I'd be happy to hang out with people, but I have to let them ask me, after I've attempted it more than a dozen times. At some point, you're just begging, and who needs that?

Between Nevada's death and my dad's, the hole is huge in my life, and I can't really look to other people to fill that void. As lonely as I am, I still need to find my own way in the world.
It's certainly more difficult with the loss of one of my best friends, and the only father I'll ever have. And the lack of a significant other. The burden feels like it is mine to carry.
And even if there were someone significant in my life, I still would have a lot to figure out on my own. I realize no one can make me happy but myself.

That being said, I find I suffer from feeling left out of a lot of things that friends have. Husbands, kids etc. And yet, I don't know if I myself will go that path.
I hope to meet a love that is ever lasting, but who is to say, when and if that will be. And when I picture kids, I picture myself adopting for some reason.
If I even have kids. I still don't know and I guess since I'm not pregnant or even having sex, that's one worry I can cross off the list.

The fact of the matter is, that our lives are so very different.

Thus, so are my relationships.

But, they're are not going anywhere. True, some friends haven't been as involved in my daily life, they still care about the major things... birthdays, funerals, etc.
I don't have to wonder if they will show up.

They just do. Or their flowers, cards, gifts, scarves, and coffee do. :)
And that's what friendship is.

The truth is, we all do the best we can. I know they love me.

All I can hope for from anyone is that no matter how busy their lives get, they'll still find time for me in it.

Sailing Around the Room

2010-10-06T12:58:00.000-07:00

Lyrics by Emmylou Harris

One last gaze upon the sun
It bid farewell to everyone
Kick that bucket out the door
Where I'm going I won't need it anymore

Gonna lay my burden down
Take a bird's eye look around
From the tall pines of Carolina
All the way to the wall of China

So I'll go sailing round the room
Through my window, across the silver moon
No flesh and bone to hold me
I'll finally set my soul free
When I go sailing round the room

Life may be just but a dream
Rowed my boat on down the stream
To wake up on a different shore
Wind up as something I ain't never been before

I could be a drop of summer rain
Falling down on an Oklahoma plain
I won't leave the world behind me
Look around and you will find me

So I'll go sailing round the room
Through my window, across the silver moon
No flesh and bone to hold me
I'll finally set my soul free
When I go sailing round the room

I will be in the smoke from Mauna Loa
Morning mist from the Shenandoah
I will be a grain of sand in the Kalahari
Magnolia by the Mississippi

I will be birdsong when day is breaking
Words of love when your heart is aching
I will be a blue bonnet by the highway
I'll be everywhere and always

When I go sailing round the room
Through my window, across the silver moon
No flesh and bone to hold me
I'll finally set my soul free

When I go sailing round the room
Through my window, across the silver moon
No flesh and bone to hold me
I'll finally set my soul free
When I go sailing round the room

Waiting for My Sunrise

2010-10-04T12:07:00.000-07:00

A year ago, Nevada died. I will never forget that morning. I'd slept poorly the night before and was up super early, anxiously waiting to hear her condition. Knowing in my head that things were looking pretty bad, but my heart was in no way ready to accept the unthinkable. That she'd actually die.

But in a cruel twist of fate, she'd essentially died, while having a surgery that was to save her life, and truly her only treatment option worth the risk. My highly intelligent friend, was a glimmer of her former self with her MoyaMoya.

Although her brain was under constant duress, she was Nevada till the end. Shaving her head into a mohawk before surgery, joking how funny it would be to die in a plane crash on her way to Califorina. We laughed about the absurdity of that situation, and I hugged her goodbye never knowing it would be our last conversation.

In the weeks after her death, I numbly wandered through the shell of my life. The hole she left felt like a crater. I saw her nearly daily. We talked every day on our long walks and after the walks, I'd make her dinner and we'd have a few beers. How could somebody so present in life be suddenly gone?

I struggled for months. Wasn't sleeping, I drank to much, and some days when I came to work, I'd look down, surprised at my outfit because I didn't remember getting dressed.

When New Year's Eve rolled around, I was having a truly dark night and although I felt sucicidal, I made one resolution. "Do not kill self."

Beyond that, happiness was reserved for other people. It was a foreign concept. How was I supposed to laugh again? When one of the greatest people I'd ever met in my life was gone forever?

The one thing Nevada and I talked about a lot, was my lonliness. My lack of a boyfriend. She took on my love life with two hands and a bull whip. She'd made it her personal mission to find me a man of my own. She'd been in a relationship for a few years, and wanted nothing more than for me to find that too.

I admire many things about Nevada. Her loyalty, her deep love for her boyfriend, for her friends and for her family. The way she embraced life with two hands, and was able to live in the present moment as it came and didn't waste a lot of time, dwelling on the past.

Another passion that we shared in our friendship was our love of writing. And although I used to really love it, that part of me, has been shut down for a long time. After she died, I couldn't read (which I love) or write, or do much more than breathe.

Nevada was much more dilligent in her efforts and I always found that inspiring, but I was full of excuses as to why I hadn't started writing my own novel, while she was in the middle of her second.

As the next chapter of my life begins, I know Nevada and I aren't over. She'd written to me in her first book:

"Kelly, Each New Sunrise is a chance to finish your book." (her book, was Waiting for the Sunrise.")

Nevada may not be here, but she is everywhere. And I can't think of a better way to honor her, than by making myself happy by finally writing my memoir.

I wish her story had a different ending. But somebody needs to write OUR story, and I'm finally ready. And maybe in the meantime, I'll wake to watch the sunrise.

Write On

2010-09-22T10:21:00.001-07:00

I'm lucky in that I get to sit at a desk and write. The bad part of that is because that's the nature of my job, I rarely have the energy of feel like writing outside of my job. But I need to. Writing has always helped me express emotions and deal with my pain.

And unfortunately, this past year has given me a whole lot to work with. Problem is, that my writing is so rusty. It's about as out of shape as me right now. But, I have to put hand to key board. I've kept journals as long as I can remember.

Writing is my escape and my salvation. I have taken small steps in writing in this blog.

Onto some actual longer writing.

The Blonde and Witch

2010-09-17T11:27:00.000-07:00

In recent weeks, I've started collecting mini Madame Alexander dolls for a friend's daughter. The theme is Fairy Tales, and I ended up with an extra Cinderella. So I brought her to work to hang out with my mini version of the Wicked Witch of the West doll.

It got me thinking of different sides of my personality. The good little doll with the pretty blond hair doing what everyone wants her to do. And the little witch who does what she wants, but maybe hurts people in the process.

Every person needs a good balance of witch and Cinderella. Or their version of it. This past year, as turned me inside out. And some days, it felt like the bad was going to over take the good. But, it hasn't yet, and Nevada's one year is coming up.

We'll drink, laugh and remember. I think on that day, I may be just a little bit of the witch, but I'm hoping to be filled with the good cheer of Cinderella.

OK Monday

2010-09-13T11:09:00.000-07:00

Woke up to stare down another day. As far as Monday's in an office go, it's not too bad. No pressing deadlines today, a lunch time walk, homemade potato leek soup for lunch, and now I'm back at my desk. Typing.

Tonight it's time to go visit a good friend that had a baby. It's hard to feel sad while holding an infant. So, looking forward to that. I'd hoped to make them home made dinner, but there just isn't enough time. They'll enjoy some Boston Market instead.

Busy week ahead:
Tuesday: Lotus Night.

Wednesday: Therapy. Then shopping for Connie's birthday gift. I've known her since she was six, but when I asked for some gift ideas, she said no beer or coffee. UGH. Who doesn't want beer? :)

Thursday: Possible walk with a friend after work.

Friday: Is going to be brownie baking for a BBQ on Saturday and more gift shopping, if I haven't found anything yet.

Saturday: Walk and lunch with a friend. Then a BBQ with more friends. Whee.

Sunday: Birthday lunch and walk with Connie.

Let's hope I don't end up at the gas station buying her one of those hanging pine tree car air fresheners.
Yes, staying busy helps me.

In between these days and outings, I'll sleep, do some dishes, sort more clutter at home, mail a few letters, pay some bills, do some work at work, watch Mad Men, and as a friend put it best the other day: Just Be.

For Carol :)

2010-09-12T18:33:00.000-07:00

It's been a while, I know. I've just been off grieving. And some days that means just going to work, coming home and vegging in front of the t.v. I haven't felt like I've had anything note worthy to say either. But, my writing isn't going to improve if I continue to ignore it, like I do the laundry.

So... let's see. Got paid for a freelance job and responsibly paid off my credit card with my newly earned money. But today, I managed to rack up a couple of dollars. Not to worry, I can pay that off this week on payday. But the thing is, I was at T.J. Maxx and they had a lot of cute clothes.

And since I feel very fat and unattractive, I went to the gym this morning and then went and bought some new things. I'm not new to the ebb and flow of clothes shopping. But usually, I just suffer through my fat stage looking as ugly as I feel, and that really doesn't help.

So, instead I bought some super flattering work out pants, and a few new shirts. Including my outfit I'll wear to honor Nevada's one year anniversary. And then I met a friend for a pedicure.

Why? Well, because my toes were seriously ugly looking. Now, I'm sure I'm as fat as I was this morning, but I feel more motivated. I need a few more new shirts, but I'll get those soon.

Weight is definitely a physical thing, but it is also a mental issue. And mentally, I feel cuter. AND ready to take on the gym in my hot new work out clothes.

That's important. I came home and cleaned my house. A house where clutter where always live, but I'm slowly sorting through it. And then I made home made soup. Why? Because I need to take care of myself and treat myself with some kindness. And bit by bit, I'm coming back to myself.

I don't know when the hard grief will change to a less crippling pain,but while I wait it out, I'm going to be at the gym. Or getting a pedicure. Or at the library. And sometimes at the bar.

Turns out, you can cry anywhere.

The Man in the Yellow Pajamas

2010-07-21T13:00:00.000-07:00

Today marks the first six months of my life, without my dad. I miss him terribly.
And the one thing that really hurts, is that my dad knew how lonely I felt at times, always wondering when I was going to meet somebody.

Destined to single till death, I would tell him. And he would tell me very confidently, that no. That I would find that right person, and when I did, it would be forever.

I remember clearly sitting in the hospital chair in Ann Arbor, and my dad had just defied the odds once again. He was drugged up to be sure, but he was dressed in yellow pajamas. And he asked, "Did you come here alone?"

And I said, "Yes, dad. I'm always alone. That's how I roll."

He looked out the window and I can't accurately capture in print the look on his face, but it was one of complete and utter confidence... like he was looking beyond whatever was out the window.

And he said, "It's going to happen. And he clenched his jaw, the way he used to do, when he was mad or making a point.

His face said: It's a done deal.

I miss my champion of all causes... no matter if he was fighting for me to get paid from my job at the car wash or fighting for my heart.

Four Queens is a Winner

2010-07-01T08:20:00.000-07:00

Date: June 2007
Place: Downtown Las Vegas, Four Queens Casino.
Time: Middle of night. Dad is at poker machine, Kelly is at black jack table, until her presence is requested by B.Q.
BQ: Hi Kelly. Take this card. Go get yourself something.
KQ: What are you talking about, Dad.
BQ: I have all these points, go get yourself a t-shirt. In the gift shop. Go pick it out and I'll meet you there.
KQ: Heads to "gift shop" which is a glass booth full of tee shirts, mugs etc. Kelly stands around waiting.
20 minutes pass... no B.Q.
Finally KQ goes to find him... he is in the same spot at the same video poker machine.
B.Q. Hey kid. What's going on?
KQ: (mad) the shirt you insisted I get? I'm still waiting in the "gift shop."
B.Q. Oh yeah... had a good few hands, I forgot. Let's go.
KQ: Grumbling and mad now...fine.
BQ and KQ in front of booth now.
BQ. Pick this one. You like Pink.
KQ: Not really, but it's the best one.

Present day: I woke up and decided to wear my pink glittery Four Queens tee shirt.
Thanks B.Q!

It's funny what memories float to the surface as important. I now cherish the shirt that I didn't even want and the memories of my one trip to Las Vegas with my dad.

Work in Progress

2010-06-28T12:57:00.000-07:00

I've been diligently trying to get my footing back after a tumultuous few months. Each day, I find myself making small strides toward healthier choices, in hopes of making me feel better about the emotional upheaval.

To that end, my brother is dropping off my new bed this evening. After years of sleeping on a crap bed, I'll finally have a comfy spot to lay my head. Think a shopping trip for new sheets will be in order for the weekend. And since the grief and upheaval, I've suffered insomnia for nearly a year. Finally going to see the doctor in the morning, and hopefully find a suitable solution. I think my brain just won't turn off the angst that stirs even in my subconscious all day and evening long.

I desperately want to get back to my gym routine and especially now, that I've set a goal that will be happening in a few months. Time to gear up and get ready.

I also commit to writing short stories, the memoir type that is my speciality and where my passion lies. It's been so long and I feel so out of sorts, but it's like anything. One day at a time. And if I don't feel like doing it, I must remember how happy it makes me. And in this case, I believe it will lend itself to healing.

For entertainment, I've decided to downgrade my Netflix for the summer and decided to get myself a DVR. A lot of my favorite shows are on during the summer, but I won't be missing any parties or BBQ's, because I have to watch tv.

And planning and going on little weekend jaunts is another way I'm trying to keep my spirits up.

And of course, my weekly trips to Black Lotus shall continue. Where I drink and laugh and feel like my old self, meaning I laugh and enjoy the friendship and loyalty that is as permenant now as my Mug Club membership, at said bar.

Happy Birthday B.Q.

2010-06-24T08:13:00.000-07:00

He is known to many as B.Q., Tubby, or Duke.
And to three of us, he's known as dad.

Happy Birthday Dad.

Thank you for raising me with the grit to get through this. I have cried a lot over the last few months, and I really miss our talks, and our phone conversations while I drove to work. And some days, I don't feel strong at all. I feel ill equipped to take on one more day.

But then I remember how you're pain free now. Served your country that in my opinion, didn't return the favor. But you didn't even wait to be drafted. You ran in, while others did their best to run away.

And I thank you for your service. Vietnam did what it could to wreck you, and you spent the rest of your life picking up those pieces, when I'm sure it would have been easier to run.

Here's a few things I want to share with you today.

1. I came to work today. I really wanted to stay home. Or huddle up on a bar stool. I can't promise I won't do that later. But, you'd never begrudge any one a good time, so I know you understand.

2. I appreciate you never making anything cliche. Instead of calling me your little girl, you always called me your little goil. And you're the only person who ever called me goil.

3. Thanks for giving me your wit, your humor.

4. Thank you for the sharing the gift of your story telling.

5. Thanks for the large Irish family that just won't go away. :) Even when you tell them you want to be alone, and just can't make this year's family reunion.

6. Thank you for our amazing nuclear family. A fantastically quirky, artistic and fun mom, who raised us to be good people, and two brothers who would kick any one's ass, who tried to harm me in any way. And to you, for always insisiting your kids were polite, well groomed, and well mannered.

7. Thank you for sending me to grad school which lead me to this job. A job that lets me show up later than most, and while here, I'm paid to write. Sure, I'm writing in a blog right now, instead of writing about Lincoln, but it's because of you that I'm here.

8. Thank you for the tea parties. That's a special dad that will sit with his daughter and drink gallons of imaginary tea.

9. Thank you for all the generous gifts over the years. It was never about the material items for you. I know you just loved to share the wealth, after growing up poor, you wanted your children to have nice things.

10. Thank you for instilling in me, a sense of survival. Perhaps ironic writing that on your first posthumous birthday, but it's true. You survived Vietnam and seven years of cancer. I think that fighting spirit, was passed down to me.

As a baby born at just over six months, doctors all said I would die.
I remember you telling me the story a few years ago.
How you wanted to give me a name, Kelly Rose,so that I would know that somebody was figthing for me.

The torch has been passed. I'm fighting to win the grief battle every day.

Happy Birthday to the original fighter.
The Might Quinn,indeed.

Your loving daughter,
Kelly Rose.

I Love

2010-06-23T14:23:00.000-07:00

I posted a blog the other day, about all the things that I hated now that Nevada has died. Not all were negative. But to make a counter blog about all the things I loved about her, was a suggestion.(thanks mom).

I love that I came to work at Wunderman in January of 2006 and met Nevada.

I love that after our initial conversation, she gave me a chance, and we became really good friends.

I love that she always made me see things in a different way and helped me to laugh at myself.

I love that she was so passionate about writing.

I love that she wanted me to find somebody to love so bad, that she spend hours and hours helping me get ready for dates, fielding emails, and writing personal ads for me.

I love that she walked with me almost daily. And helped me get thin.

I love how much she loved her boyfriend Trevor.

I love that she always had time for me.

I love her ability to live in the moment and be fully present, with whatever she was doing.

I love her loyalty. Once she was your friend, she was there no matter what.

I love that we could have fun no matter what we were doing.

I love her strength in times of crisis.

I love her hatred of talking on the phone, and the fact that I had to get a text plan just to talk to her.

I love that she hated the phone, but she would talk to me whenever I needed her.

I love that she accepted me for me, but tried to make me the best me that she could.

I love our how our walks often ended at Bastone for beer.

I love how she introduced me to good beer.

I love the way she wouldn't let any harm come to me on her watch.

I love her fearless nature, even in the face of a scary, unknown illness.

I love her sense of humor.

I love her sense of style for her own self and her ability to dress those around her.

I love her quirky love of projects, no matter how random. Including making her own bed. Literally.

I love her love of life.

I love her crabbing at me to snap out of mood swings.

I love her explaining ankle beards.

I love our talks about turtles.

I love that any secret was safe.

I love how she could calm me, when I was freaking out.

I love that she believed in me, at times when I didn't believe in myself.

I love sitting on patios in backyards, drinking a good beer with her.

I love the trip on the train to Chicago when we ate our way through the city.

I love her friendship.

I love her ability to really listen.

I love her ability to dance.

I love her zest for finding the perfect gift.

I love her.

Birthday Recap

2010-06-21T23:17:00.000-07:00

*Editorial Note: This blog originally appeared elsewhere.

I'm not a attention monger. So, it's weird to announce even in a family blog, that today is my birthday. I feel a decade older than I did last year. Probably because I lost of of my best friends in October and my dad in January. I don't feel like doing a whole lot of celebrating, but I am also trying to find the joy in the friends and family I have left.

Two birthday memories from growing up stick out.

1. Not much for planning, my dad rarely had birthday gifts purchased and wrapped the days before. On my I'm guessing 9th or 10th birthday, my dad took me on a shopping spree at K-Mart. We went up and down every aisle, and he let me pick things, I'd never get at home. Whoppers in a carton, Cap'n Crunch cereal, Dr. Schoals red buckled clogs that were the rage that year. The best part, was that every time I picked up an item, I'd ask, "Can I get this one Daddy?" He'd smile and say, "Throw it in the cart."

2. My other memory involves the Bachelors One in Keego. Again, not much for planning, or so it seemed, my dad picked me up in Milford and suggested we go to lunch at the B-1. When we pulled up outside, The sign read, Happy Birthday Kelly Rose.

As an eight year old, I thought I was famous.

Thank you for all you did, Dad. A man I once proclaimed, "Daddy, I know you're name.
When he asked, "What is it? I said Daddy Quinlan."

Weekend

2010-06-14T07:08:00.000-07:00

My weekend wasn't too bad. It was the first time I'd been home in two weeks. Friday I left work a little early to go get my driver's license renewed. After that I came home and ate dinner. Got restless after that, so I decided to treat myself to a pedicure, after a horribly sad week.

A nice walk and pedicure complete with massage chair, and my mood was uplifted. Came home and vegged out with some tv after that.

Saturday morning, I got up and went for a two mile walk and then Karlene came down to spend the day with me. Like a true friend, as soon as I told her my bedroom was way too hot and I was thinking of getting a new Air Conditioner, she happily agreed to help me.

That's how the two of us ended up lugging the old one downstairs and putting it on the curb, with a sign that said works. It's gone, so someone is happy. We went and bought a new one on sale for $100.00, and it's working great. Then we went to my Aunt Carol's retirment party and then treated ourselves to a Dairy Queen on the way home.

After that, Rachel stopped by for a visit. Sunday was chore day, until dinner time when my mom, Shane and our family friend Jeff came over to take me out to early birthday dinner. :)

An Irish restuarant with a really cool waitress. I felt very loved, but I'm having a hard time feeling happy these days.

I Hate

2010-06-10T11:59:00.001-07:00

I hate that you died.

I hate that you make me cry.

I hate that I wear you in a ring on my hand. A tiny pile of ashes.

I hate that I dumped you in the Chicago River, on the beach in Northport Michigan, and on the corner of 4th and Troy in Royal Oak, where we started all our walks.

I hate that we won’t ever laugh about how stupid I am about men, over beers ever again.

I hate that you’re going to miss the rest of our lives.

I hate that you won’t ever meet who ever I do end up with.

I hate that my dad had to go, so quickly after you.

I hate MoyaMoya.

I hate that you couldn’t be fixed.

I hate that you would never hurt me, and I’m in so much pain.

I hate that I can’t talk to you. Or walk with you.

I hate that we will never eat at Bastone again.

I hate that life had other plans for you.

I hate that our time together was so short.

I hate that I’ll miss you for the rest of my life.

I hate that you have to miss the next party.

I hate not hearing you laugh.

I hate the hole you left in my heart.

I hate the idea of never knowing you.

I hate the idea of never having your friendship.

I hate you not being here everyday.

I hate this.

Play that Music

2010-05-18T13:12:00.000-07:00

I say this with love. It's about me after all...

Anyway, sometimes, I like to listen to 50 Cent and Dr. Dre. Listening to a song right now, called, "Bitches ain't shit." Nothing makes me feel whiter. And maybe that is why I love the escape that this music brings me. I can't relate to it in any way, and I have no rhythm at all.

The non PC lyrics also hold a certain appeal as everything in our world is sanitized now. This music is gritty and colorful.

And from a writing perspective, I admire the rhymes and the way they effortlessly roll off the tongues of these artists.

Christmas with Brian

2010-04-23T12:54:00.000-07:00

I woke up feeling out of sorts. And I still do. And it's afternoon. When is this bad feeling of ick that is in complete contrast to the sunshine outside, going to subside?

Will it be at 5:30, when I'm meeting up with friends for another friend's birthday? That's a good place to start. Part of the reason I feel all whacked out I think is because I have to go up north early next week, and clean out my dad's house. Pack up all his clothes and revisit the last place I ever saw him alive. It was this past Christmas.

I don't think either of us knew it would be our last. My dad had texted me a few weeks before the holiday and asked that I not get him any gifts because he was feeling broke that year and didn't think he could afford any presents.

That broke my heart. I'm 36 years old and my dad was still worried about not having enough money to get me a gift. I told him not to worry about it, but I'd already gotten his Christmas gifts.

He then asked me to return them, but I told him no. That I'd bought those gifts for him and I wanted him to have them. I really try to give thoughtful gifts and the things I'd picked out, wouldn't suit any one else.

I had gotten him a space heater after he told me that a. he was always cold and b. his heating bill was very expensive.

But no one wants a space heater for Christmas, so I also picked out a video poker game because I figured he'd get the fun of the casino from the comfort of his easy chair since travel had become difficult.

And finally I got him a book since he liked to read. And since my dad is very funny, I thought he'd enjoy his first David Sedaris book, and I picked one of my favorites:
"Me Talk Pretty One Day."

My dad was always so generous with his Christmas gifts in years past. Partly I suspect because he wanted to make up for times he wasn't there, I can't be sure. It's not the sort of thing one asks. But just the year before, he'd gotten me an ipod nano and had it engraved with Kelly Rose.

Even though Rose is my middle name, I rarely see it in any other context than a legal document and every time I turn my ipod over and see my name there, it makes me smile.

The man who gave me the name, also had it engraved on his last gift to me.
Gift in the material sense.

He gave me so much in the things he taught me. The fact that I successfully used jumper cables and jumped my own car last weekend is a direct result of him talking about cars with me.

In typical girl fashion, I only heard: blah blah oil. Blah, blah. Listen for weird noises." Blah blah.

While my car knowledge is still very limited, I can check my oil, can jump my car, and it's ever something that seems out of my realm, I have enough sense to take it someplace or ask questions.

This weekend will mark another chapter in our lives. His and mine. He'd want me to move on, and someday I hope to do that.

In the meantime, I've got a drive to make, some boxes to pack, and a goodbye to say.

Sharp Dressed Man

2010-04-13T08:22:00.000-07:00

I thought I wanted to write a blog entry today and now that I'm actually typing, I realize I don't have much to say. Except that I had another semi restless sleep. Dreamed about Nevada, and when I woke up in the middle of the night, I started crying.

This continued this morning, on my way to work... really missed my dad and I had a flashback of when I helped him pack his house. We propped him up on his bed, so he could tell me which clothes he wanted to take to his new house in Traverse City. We both knew that he wasn't going to wear 90 percent of those clothes, but we both went through the motions.

My dad loved clothes, and he was always a very handsome dresser with his own sense of style. I never had to worry about him embarrassing me with black socks and sandals. It wasn't done. He knew style. And he loved loud Tommy Bahama Hawaiian print shirts. But, he did that on purpose.

When we got to his dresser, I found the Detroit Tigers tee shirt I'd bought him for Father's Day. When I asked what he wanted to do with it, he said, "donate it, because it doesn't fit." I smiled and said ok.

I couldn't resist telling him that I had bought it for him... and then his whole face lit up. And he said, "Well, I want to keep it. I'll keep it for sentimental reasons."

Dad, that's sweet I said, but that's silly." He said, No I want it." I said, well, why don't we give it to Shane?"

He agreed that be ok. I mailed it to Shane for Christmas.

At least we kept it in the family.

Midnight Blue

2010-03-29T11:59:00.000-07:00

I was filling out a survey this morning. One of those silly, what is your crayon color, kind of surveys, and then a question stuck out:

Question:Do you have a special talent?
Answer: Survival. I was born at six months. My parents were told I would die.

I didn't think too hard about it, when I wrote it, but as I went back to it later, I saw how simple, profound, and most importantly true that statement actually is.

And that's what I've been doing. Surviving. Every day since October 3, 2009, when Nevada died. I was and am still devastated.
And just when I turn the smallest of corners, my dad dies on January 21st.

True, sometimes I really just want it all to fade away, and I not have to think about any of it. A welcome escape from the pain that radiates my every thought.

But, I'm here.

Breathing, living, and mostly just trying to be. Trying to find my way without two of the strongest people I've ever met, gone within months of each other. I

When I wake up in the morning, I realize that I only have two choices:
1. Fight
2. Die

I'm no quitter. I survivied against all odds and I'm not stopping now.

ps-Crayon color is my title of blog today.

Textual Healing Part 3

2010-03-04T11:29:00.000-08:00

Someplace to archive all my cool texts from friends and family alike.

Rachel:
This too shall pass Kelly. Hopefully love will abound for both of us.

Lacy:
Have a good Monday. I love you.

Mom:
Hi Honey, I love you.

Shane:
No worries. It's all good. I love you.

Trevor:
Ha. There's someone who doesn't have a dead dad.

Jeff:
Thank you Kelly. I know, we are family. I love you and the fam. Yes, even BJ.

Trevor:
"You're stronger than you think."

Becky:
Love you, Kel. The memorial was lovely, and your tribute to your dad was really real and inspiring.

Casey:
Hey Kook, just thinking about you. Love ya.

Sadie-
I love you Kook-very much.

Kathleen:
I don't have the words to make anything better but I love you and am here if you need me. My heart is broken for you.

Trevor:
Guess we need two big ass rocks then. And some simultaneous rigging.

Barb:
You're tiny, Irish and amazing!

Trevor:
I love your family! You're all so much fun.

The Last Farewell

2010-01-31T15:36:00.000-08:00

My dad died on January 21, 2010.

I'm still in shock.

But yesterday was his memorial service. I wrote a eulogy and I've included it here for those who may wish to read it.

Everything I learned about life can be traced to lessons that my dad taught me. I'd like to share with you a few things I've learned, growing up with Brian Quinlan.

The Importance of Family
Since my dad grew up in such a large family, his brothers and sisters were very important to him. When I was a child, I used to ask him about growing up on the farm. Every time he told me a farm story, I would cry.

Especially when he'd tell me, it was a really special day, on your birthday because Hope and Bill would give you a $1.00. I remember his stories about Christmas, how each kid would get one present, One year, dad and Tony each got a chicken that laid eggs when you press its back. Which in retrospect, is an odd choice for kids who grew up on a farm, with actual chickens, but anyway...

Each chicken was supposed to have six eggs, but my dad told me that Tony got all the eggs, so his chicken couldn't lay any. Dad claims that Tony wouldn't share any of his eggs, but dad tended to exxaragte.

Like my dad, my brothers became not just my family, but also my friends. Cool people I'd hang out with on purpose. One look at dad and Uncle Joe and you'd know that was true. Those two could finish each other's sentences. My favorite thing to do was to watch them interact.

I was having one of my many cars fixed at Joe's school. My dad and I were getting ready to leave, and dad in his painstaking slow way, explained to me at least twice, how I was to pull over and wait for him at the Clio exit.

As my dad started to say the same thing for the third time, Joe leaned over the car and says: "Kook, you are not hard of hearing, right?" I laughed and said no.
Joe said, "She got it Tubby. Clio exit. She's not stupid.

Persevere
My dad told me the story of when he decided to enlist in the Vietnam War. It was 1966. Dad and Bill Haney were studying for a test in the OCC cafeteria. Dad looked at Bill, and said, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Bill and dad shoved their books in the garbage and they went to enlist in the Marine Corps.

He spent 13 months in the jungle, and saw horrors the rest of us could only imagine. Vietnam changed him, and he never slept well the rest of his life. Choosing most nights the comfort of his Lazy boy over his bed.
Later in his life, that same war ravaged his body with cancer and it was then we realized what a fighter my dad was. He was tough. He beat cancer twice.
He fought hard for nearly seven years.
Find True Love
My parents met in 1965. Their mutual friend, Bill Haney told my mom that my dad didn't have anybody to write to him, when he went into the Marines, so my mom started writing letters to my dad every day when he was at boot camp at camp Lejoyne. She had no idea that my dad had 11 brothers and sisters.

When he got out of boot camp, he asked my mom out on a date and they were inseparable ever since. The letter writing continued while my dad was in Vietnam. And when he came back from the war, Hope asked if he was going to marry her? Dad said he didn't know, and Hope in her gentle way, said you better marry that girl. She is good to you.

My dad drove up to ask my mom to marry him while she was at Michigan State. He showed up in the middle of the night in a borrowed Corvette. They got married on April 19, 1969 in Orchard Lake.

Learn a Trade
My dad taught us how important it was to have a skill or a career. He was an entrepreneur and an excellent salesman. He started Quinlan Tree Service in 1969, and grew the business from a one-man business that cut lawns to a company with a fleet of trucks to become one of the biggest tree services in Oakland County. When he got sick with cancer, Shane and Jeff abandoned their own tree company to take over and run Quinlan Tree Service for my dad.

But BQ was always quick with the advice.
In the summer of 2000, Jeff hurt his wrist, and Shane and Jeff were stressed about what to do:
BQ said, "Just cut more trees."

As his only daughter, his little Goil as he called me, I was exempt from tree work. But the same couldn't be said about Shane and Will. As he taught, Shane Will and Jeff, Shane's best friend that he treated like his own son, the tree service trade, he stressed the importance of college and career for me.

I went to Ferris State University for my undergrad degree and the best part of that experience was often the letters, I'd get from my dad.

He'd go through periods of great hardship, only to rally again. But during one of the lean times, he'd written to tell me, not to be embarrassed that your dad is currently living in a camper. In fact, he'd stressed, that I shouldn't mention it, as some kids might be jealous because their dads lived in a car and he didn't want people to think I was bragging."

I graduated with a B.S. in Business with an Advertising Major. Dad asked me, " What can you actually do with that degree? Can you be an Accountant?" I said, "God, I hope not."
We both laughed. Advertising copywriting is a very competitive field and when I couldn't find a job, I went to work in property management. When I realized, I was better at writing copy, than collecting rent checks, I went to grad school for copywriting in Atlanta.

At that time, my dad's tree business was booming and he paid for my entire education while I was there.

Know when to take Advice
Dad gave me love advice too. Telling me, "Plumbers need love too."
And, " Don't be a beaten women. Speak up."

To Will after he moved into his first apartment: (who'd bought a whole palate of Mac and cheese to subsist on.)
"You know, BJ, there is nutrition you can't get in macaroni and cheese."

Have a Hobby
My dad loved to bass fish. Shane, dad, and I used to spend hours fishing. Always starting at dawn with orange juice and Snicker bars. When I was about 8, my dad took me fishing by myself and he bought me a bamboo pole. As we sat in the boat in a narrow channel, with riverbank on either side of us, I tried to cast my pole, only to hook it into my dad's back.

I giggled and giggled. My dad didn't yell at me, but calmly told me to get his fishing knife, so I could cut the hook out of the back of his shirt. That was our last solo fishing trip.

When Shane, BJ and I were little, my dad would buy us kites on Easter Sunday and then he'd spend the afternoon, showing us how to fly them.

Stand Up for Yourself
And I used to stand up to him all the time. When I was living with him after he was first diagnosed with cancer, we had a rough go of it some days. Both of us cooped up in that little condo. One winter day, I couldn't stand it any longer and since I didn't have a car, I suggested dad and I go to look at Christmas decorations.
Dad said: We can't go out. It's 8 O'clock at night.
Me: So. What's your point?
Dad: " Well, if we leave now I won't have a parking space. And besides I am 57 years old.
Me: I'm 30. So what? You can't live and die by a parking space.

Well, apparently you could, as we stayed home that night.

Show Compassion/ Kindness
Dad was so generous with his gifts and his money. He was the type of person, that even if he were down to his last $20.00, he'd give you $10.00, if he thought you needed it. He have rather picked up a hitchhiker and fed him, than he would have gone out and spent money at a fancy restaurant. Whatever he had, he shared it. I once asked to borrow money to repair my car, and I had wanted to pay him back in installments:
Dad: Is it a good check?"
Me: Yes, why would I write you a bad check?
Dad: "Don't be a hero."

Dad shared everything, including food.
Once when I was at his house, he insisted that I take home some of his chicken salad he'd just bought at a gourmet store. I finally agreed, so he gets out some plastic wrap and puts a giant ball of chicken salad in the middle of it, hands it to me, and says,
"Here you go.
" I said, dad, how am I supposed to drive home with a ball of chicken salad?
Dad" I suppose you need a container.
He grudgingly gave me a travel coffee mug to transport it home in.

He loved Hawaiian shirts. The crazier the print, the better. The only person who loved random assorted shirts, as much as my dad was Uncle Joe.

Be Honest
My dad was brutally honest about everything. A few years ago when he got a bad report from his doctor saying that the cancer was in his spine, my dad called and we had the following conversation:
Dad: Well, Kelly. That's it. I'm gonna die." Cancer is in my spine and that's it.
Me: Crying. No, dad I don't want you to die."
Dad: It's ok. You had a hard time getting started with your life, and better me, than you."
Me: I don't think so, dad. I don't want you to die." Me still crying."
Dad: "I can't listen to you cry any more. Can you go call your mother so she can console you? "
And then he hung up.

Last year when we were at Joe's funeral, dad saw Casey outside and dad says, " "Well Casey, it's only gonna get worse from here."

Don't Be Afraid to Start Over
After my parents divorced, Dad found love again with Nora Jones. Dad told me once, that he "wasn't a whore." And that he'd only loved two women. There was a long pause, and then my dad said, "One of them was your mother, you know.

Post divorce my dad would pick us up on Sunday, and we'd go to Nora's house and watch Paul Newman movies. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, Sometimes a Great Notion, The Hustler, Cool Hand Luke. When we weren't watching movies, he would take us to Chuck E Cheese or to putt putt golf on Dixie Highway.

Learn New Things
My dad attempted to embrace technology with email and texting. But he is the only person I've ever met, who ever paid for his Yahoo email account.

When I was living with him, Tony sold him his first Mac laptop, and dad started complaining about his computer being low on memory.
I said dad, "It looks like you downloaded an entire Harry Potter novel. Twice."
Dad said, who the hell is Harry Potter?"

Texting:
"Smoke em, if you got em.
"Happy Cinco De Mayo. You're not Mexican."
I wrote back and said, " Neither are you."
Dad: Yeah, but I've been to Canada."

Dad sent me a text, when we on a girl's weekend in Nashville:
" Ernest Hemingway said, " All good stories end with a drink somewhere."

Celebrate your Heritage
My dad used to surprise us on St. Patrick's Day. We'd wake up in the morning to find our front porch decorated with paper shamrocks and piles of potatoes, with notes, "Erin Go Braugh" and Top of the Mornin to you." He loved story telling and he relished in his Irish heritage.
I remember one Christmas, I unwrapped a present to find, a Quinlan Tree Service sweatshirt.
Dad says, "You don't seem very excited.
Me" Well, you got me one last year."
Dad" Good thing your name is still Quinlan then."

Love is Everlasting
Even though my parents have been divorced, for the last twenty years, their love never left. We spent every holiday together and through it all, my parents remained life long friends.

Dad: Shane, Will, and I will take care of each other.
We love you.
See you on the other side.

My Three Day Weekend

2010-01-19T13:19:00.000-08:00

I should know better then to start my Friday night with this sentence: "Yes, I'll come out but just for one drink. I'm tired."

Um yeah. I was out till three am on Friday night and I had a great time. I'd had a shitty week, so drinking wine, making fun of people at the karaoke bar and a late night slider dining experience at Comet Burger, was just what I needed.

Till Saturday morning when I quickly realized that while I wasn't throwing up, my stomach ache was going to prevent me from a productive trip to the Farmers Market.

I rallied in time to go see Crazy Heart with my friend Jon. The movie that Jeff Bridges just won a Golden Globe for. I highly recommend it. A few parts hit a little close to home, but it's better than watching some shit ass romantic comedy. Where I can't relate at all, because really. Who is that stupid?

Saturday night, my Godmother Smoz and I met for dinner in Royal Oak and we had an awesome time. Awesome in the way that we connected and she helped me work through some grief. She lost a daughter a few years ago, and once you go through something like, you just "get each other" on a whole other level. Plus, she's funny and very comforting.

Sunday, after coffee and couch lounging, I did a few errands before heading out to meet Karlene for lunch. She is one of my oldest friends and is always good for whatever my mood may be. And we laughed a lot about stupid stuff, which I needed.

I then headed home, as I had drink plans with my friends at the Black Lotus. More laughter, beer and insanity ensued. And I feel lucky every time I see my fellow grief survivors. We are slowly healing. Sometimes, when it feels like I'm going eight steps in the wrong direction, I know they will help me see that life can be fun. And joyful.
And sad. And all of it is ok with them.

Yesterday after a long restless insomnia filled night, once I was sleeping I took advantage of my day off and slept in, until 10 a.m.

Then I headed over to Connie's to celebrate Harrison's 3rd birthday. A whole afternoon of monster trucks, puzzles, and cupcakes. Harrison is the closest thing I have to a nephew.

He was once so happy to see me that when I came in the front door, He yelled: "Aunt Kelly!" And then did a somersault for me.

Pretty good weekend, all things considered. And only a few crying break downs.

Tuesdays at the BL

2010-01-06T12:31:00.000-08:00

Thank God fo my Tuesday Night Lotus friends. We were friends before, but nothing on this level. Something about grief really makes you honest. And free. Time to be yourself. And you truly get how the other people feel. I'm left with this overwhelming urge to protect them all, and scoop em up. And the best part of it, is that it started as a way to cope with the loss of our friend, but it has evolved so that we're are learning about each other's lives. It's not a meeting for the dead. It's a night of the living. For laughing. And for finding the joy of the stupid, the silly and the absurd.

But it's also about the one who is gone. Nevada. She's as much a part of the nights as anyone there. It's very natural for her to come up in conversation. Stories about her flow as easily as the brewed beer we all enjoy.

And no topic is off limits. Sometimes we laugh about the stupid things that were said to us during the day: Mine yesterday was this: "Why do you have to wear your dead friend's coat?"

We laughed together at the absurdity. No other explantion was needed. It's the one time all week, that I usually feel normal again. Or semi normal for a little while in a world without one of my best friends.

It's double bonus this week: Pancaking on Saturday.

New Year

2010-01-05T12:24:00.001-08:00

The start of the New Year has been shaky at best. I'm hoping to find my footing at some point, but right now it feels like I'm swimming in quick sand.

Textual Healing Part 2

2009-12-22T19:56:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you have text messages you'd like to keep, but you can't keep them stored in the phone hogging up space, so I post them here to enjoy later.

Trevor:
"Oh shit. Does that work like periods where we get on the same cycle if we hang out too much?"

BJ
"This is your brother in case you were wondering. Hi Kou, it's me B."

Shannon:
"Sounds great. Have a good day tomorrow or try your damn est too. Love you."

Jeremy:
"Be strong Kelly! The value of your good friendship to your best friend has never been richer than today. You are a good person. The finest."

Shane:
Thank you for the FB shout out. I love you."

Jeff:
Happy Thanksgiving!

Casey:
Thanks Kook. Thinking of you too. Love you.

Karlene:
"I'm sorry belle. It sucks and there's no way around it. The only silver lining in this is that she is always with you in spirit. So even when old Evan boy says something stupid, Nevada's right there."

Trevor:
"People hate it when you tell the truth like that. :)

Shannon:
"I wish I could make it all go away."

Lacy:
"Seriously, fuck Russell."

Shane;
" Fatty got a box of food. Lol."

Trevor
"Amazing restraint. Nevada's totally going to turn us into alcoholics."

Jon:
"You were always her writer friend then became Kelly Quinlan. :) I felt better knowing you were taking care of her with Trevor when I was being a wimp."

Shane:
"Awesome. Think how far you've come. Use Nevada as inspiration. You can do it."

Trevor:
"Texts that start with speaking of suicide are always the best. :)

Shannon:
"Cool!! Ur are not bailing. You are going. A good way to end a fucking shitty year with your moderately attractive cousin, and her hot husband." LOL.

For Nevada

2009-12-08T11:51:00.000-08:00

Sailing Round the Room
By Emmlou Harris

One last gaze upon the sun
Bid farewell to everyone
Kicked that bucket out the door
Where I'm goin I won't need it anymore

Gonna lay my burden down
Take a birdseye look around
From the tall pines of Carolina
All the way to the Wall of China

So I go sailing round the room
Through my window, cross the silver moon
No flesh and bone to hold me
I'll finally set my soul free
When I go sailing round the room

Life may be just but a dream
Rode my boat on down the stream
To wake up on a different shore
Wind up as something I aint never been before

I could be a drop of summer rain
Fallin down on an Oklahoma plain
Gonna leave the world behind me
Look around and you will find me

So I go sailing round the room
Through my window, cross the silver moon
No flesh and bone to hold me
I'll finally set my soul free
When I go sailing round the room

[I.....will be.....]
In the smoke from Mauna Loa
Morning mist on the Shenandoah

[I.....will be.....]
Grain of sand in the Kalahari
Magnolia by the Mississippi

[I.....will be.....]
Bird song when the day is breaking
Words of love when your heart is aching

Blue bonnet by the highway
I'll be everywhere and always

When I go sailing round the room
Through my window, cross the silver moon
No flesh and bone to hold me
I'll finally set my soul free

When I go sailing round the room
Through my window, cross the silver moon
No flesh and bone to hold me
I'll finally set my soul free
When I go sailing round the room

A Weekend in HELL

2009-11-24T08:49:00.000-08:00

Saturday morning, me, Trevor and Kim set out for Hell, MI with Nevada's ashes in tow. We had a full day planned.
Nevada always said she wanted to go to hell in a handbasket and had even purchased some in anticaption for one day doing just that. When we arrived in Hell, we looked around and took some pictures.

For Hell, it was surprisingly cool. It was then time to send Nevada on her journey. We took photos while Trevor dumped her ashes in a handbasket and set her free down to the river in Hell.

Right before we set her off, Trevor said, "It seems like we should say something." The writer in me wanted to say something profound and meaningful that would capture the poignant moment. After all, we were sending one of my best friends on a trip she was taking way to early.

"This fucking sucks." Is the phrase that popped into my mind, and came out of my mouth.

The three of us laughed and off she went. Her basket toppled sideways and twirled in the current, but it didn't sink.

At one point she got stuck in one spot and I had to poke her basket with a stick.

After our send off for Nevada it was on to another sort of hell. We had to go to Nevada's house in Detroit, to finish clearing it out.

Trevor suggested we take anything we'd like, and anything that was left was to be donated.

I ended up in her closet, pulling out clothes that I'd been with her as she purchased.

When I got downstairs, I came across her winter coat she wore all the time. It is very iconic, very Nevada. It's a light orange wool with black buttons and I feel lucky it fell in my hands.

It's kind of fitting that of all things that's what I ended up with. You see, the last time I'd been with Nevada we'd gone shopping. And she'd picked out a coat and I tried to get her to buy it. She said no, she'd better wait.

At the same time, I told her I needed another winter coat. She laughed saying, Kelly you don't NEED a new coat. ( I have at least 4). I conceded then that, I'd like another one.

I really wanted her to have that coat she'd picked out and had gone back to the store and found the last one in her size to give it to her as welcome home from California gift.

Sadly, she died before I could give it to her. So, I mailed it to her sister. Thinking she'd appreciate having the last thing Nevada picked out for herself.

It's only fitting then, that Nevada's last gift to me was her favorite coat.

Guess I did need just one more, after all.

Treadmills Make Me Cry

2009-11-19T08:46:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was a bad day in the land of grief. Maybe it was because it was the 2 month anniversary of the last time I saw Nevada and wished her a good trip and hugged her goodbye.

I don't know. I can't say any day since she's died has been a trip to bountiful, but some days are easier than others. Yesterday just wasn't one of those days. I cried on my way to work.

Then held it in all day and even managed to celebrate with my good friend here at work for her birthday and faked my way through a client meeting, where I answered questions and appeared knowledgeable.

After work, free again in my own car, it was cry fest again. Not heaving sobs, as that's no good for driving, but just the normal about of tears.

Last night I found myself at the grocery store. Buying beer on sale and price checking the Irish cream (must run in the family LQ), but I opted to wait on that. I've already been through a jug of that, post Nevada and well, it's pretty fattening I suspect.

But damn it's tasty... Came home and it was more sadness. At this point I gave up trying to trick my brain into watching a stupid sitcom or distracting myself. I was beyond that point.

As I mentioned on Nevada's facebook page yesterday:

The highlight of my day was that my poison ring arrived early so I can put her ashes in it, and part of her will always be with me.

That was also my lowest point. A ring to carry one of my best friend's ashes in.

Her ashes? FUCK.

This morning, in true Irish stubbornness, I decide I'll start back to the gym.

Turns out, I can cry pretty good while on the treadmill. And this morning it was a whole parade of dead people. Derek, Rachel's husband, My Godfather and Uncle Joe, and Nevada that was on my mind.

But hey, at least I started back to the gym and apparently I can multi-task.

Not My Type

2009-11-18T07:28:00.000-08:00

Is it just me or does anyone else hate John Mayer with a passion?

Finish the thought -Repost

2009-11-12T17:47:00.000-08:00

I found this note on Facebook... Was posted originally sometime last year. I need to move it on #20. And the other update would be, the last time I cried: Last night. Nevada related.

Finish the sentences. Some may be uncomfortable, but you'll manage. Repost it as "Finish the sentences" when you're done! Don't forget to tag me back!

1. I've come to realize that my last kiss.... was awful and not my decision.

3. I talk... super fast.

4. I love... writing, my family, chocolate, and Paul Newman

5. My best friend/s... are always there for me.

6. My first real kiss... Was outside near a pine tree in the summer time.

7. Love is... not defined solely by people in relationships.

8. Marriage is... something I ponder in an abstract way.

9. Somewhere, someone is thinking... Why did I say that?

10. I'll always... have new interests.

11. The last time I really cried was because... I missed my uncle.

13. When I wake up in the morning... I lie to myself that I can take a nap later if I get up now.

14. Before I go to bed... I read every night. Either a book or a magazine.

15. Right now I am thinking about... My vacation starting in 2 hours.

16. Babies are... living, breathing optimism.

17. I get on Myspace... rarely any more.

18. Today I... am having a slumber party. Whee!

19. Tomorrow I will be... on route to Nashville.

20. I really want to be... a published author.

Motivational Poster

2009-11-06T12:32:00.000-08:00

Nevada's inspiritional poster to remind me I'm worthy of good dates.

Packing UP BQ

2009-11-05T08:26:00.000-08:00

My dad has resided in Keego Harbor for as long as I can remember. He needs a change and has decided to move north to closer to all of his brothers and sisters. This is an excellent plan, and will make visiting him much more pleasant when I don't have to contend with the drunk roommate, I refer to as the "boozy floozy."

Shane being the good older brother is doing the physical move, which left me to pack up my dad and his random household of crap. I started on Saturday and it took me all day just to clean out his bedroom and his closets, as we debated the merit of keeping each pair of dress pants.

5 bags later, we had a clothing donation pile that will outfit plenty of men for the winter, and my dad still has plenty of clothes, although all he wears lately is sleep pants.

I've honestly gotten better, but organization just isn't my strong suit, and I realized in the middle of it all, on Saturday as I was about to have a melt down, that I needed help. (My mom blames my premature birth for the fact that I can't do this sort of task).

Cousin Shannon immediately came to mind. She's great at this and she loves us both.
I texted her and she called the next day to say she'd be happy to help us.

I was so relieved, I almost cried. Last night we went over to pack up the rest of the condo.

My dad had a good time blaring gospel Elvis at level 7 on the stereo and then tried talking over it.

Shannon was fantastic. I think I did some stuff, but I have no illusions that she did the bulk of it. But we had a good visit while we worked, and I felt very lucky to have her in my life.

You know how a family member can laugh at you, but you know how much they love you?
We did a lot of that.

My loot for the evening: Several newish heavy duty pots and pans, a Quinlan Tree Service Shirt (in a style I didn't have), a cassette tape of Simon and Garfunkel, Live in Central Park, and a mouse from Apple for my laptop.

Shannon came away with a golf shirt for Ed my dad insisted she take, her own Quinlan Tree Service shirt, a french press, and the movie Cool Hand Luke.

Thanks Shannon for making an awful job fun and fairly stress free.

Love you

Textual Healing

2009-11-04T09:02:00.000-08:00

For anyone that reads my blog, you're aware that my friend Nevada died. A month ago yesterday in fact. And that sucks. I've been filling up my phone with text messages of good will, humor and etc. So, I had to delete some and decided to share a few here.

October 17th- Day of Nevada's Memorial:

From Shane, my brother:
"Kelly you're a great friend, a special sister and a wonderful person."

From Jan, my friend who is a Brit and a friend of Nevada's as well:
"I am always here with an ear, a beer, or a hug. Don't hesitate anytime.

My Cousin Casey:
"I know it does, I'm sorry Kook. I wish I could do more for you. I love you, if there's anything I can do for you, let me know.

My cousin Lacy:
"Ok, I love you."

Becky
"Praying for you, Kel."

My cousin Shannon
"My heart is breaking for you, Kel."

Nevada's boyfriend Trevor, carrying on Nevada's quest to get me a date:
"Your goal should still be to drink yourself into a stupor--but to wake up on some random guy's couch instead of at home. Baby steps. :)

More from Trevor:
"I try to think of all the ways she changed my life for the better. Lately that's been more of comfort than sorrow."

Shane:
"Breathe, believe and revive"

My dad
"Love you more."

Shannon
"My pleasure. Wish I could do more!"

I DONT

2009-10-29T07:04:00.000-07:00

I don't want to live and die in Detroit.
I don't want to only write about cars.
I don't want to be lonely anymore.
I don't want to ever forget how amazing Nevada was.
I don't ever want to forget the lessons she taught me, even if it takes years for them all to sink in.
I don't want to be a writer who never writes or publishes her book.
I don't want my dad to drink himself to death.
I don't want to push my friends and family away.
I don't want them to get upset when I do.
I don't want to sleep alone every night.
I don't want to undo all my healthy habits.
I don't want to gain a bunch of weight.
I don't want to dread the gym.
I don't want to stop beleiving in god.
I don't want to be a perky sales clerk at Hallmark.
I don't want my current clothing size to make me feel less worthy.
I don't want to lose myself in my grief.
I don't want to rush through the grief process.
I don't want to go on any more bad dates.
I don't want to put skim milk in my coffee.
I don't want to gossip about people.
I don't want to be perfect.
I don't want to cry all the time.
I don't want to give up on hope.
I don't want to beleive things will turn around and be severely dissappointed.
I don't want to go to another meeting.
I don't want to fall during yoga.
I don't want to give you my heart, if you aren't going to keep it safe.
I don't want to wear a sweater dress.
I don't want to be judged for eating milk duds and bacon for breakfast.
I don't want to envy others.
I don't want to watch reality shows.
I don't want to feel guilty for calling in for a mental health day.
I don't want to hurt anyone.
I don't want to hurt myself.
I don't want to run a marathon.
I don't want to wear make up to work sometimes.
I don't want to eat food that comes "fresh" from a gas station.
I don't want to have credit card debt.
I don't want to ever stop eating chocolate.
I don't want to dress up for Halloween.
I don't want to depend on anyone.
I don't want to fake anything.
I don't want to engage in small talk.
I don't want to feel so utterly alone.

My Goodbye to A Wonderful Woman

2009-10-18T05:47:00.000-07:00

Nevada Memorial Speech

I met Nevada when I came to work at Wunderman, an ad agency in Dearborn. I was the newest digital copywriter. Nevada was the only other female writer, so I was excited to meet her.

I noticed she had the same magnet on her cube wall that I had at home and decided to tell her, figuring it was a good ice breaker.

Nevada looked over at me, and snarled a snarky comment. I remember thinking,

“That girl dosen’t like small talk. Don’t speak to her, until you have something to say.”

I don’t really remember when it all changed. All I know is once we started talking we never shut up. We’re both Gemini’s and very chatty.

We spent our lunch breaks shopping for fencing material, fabric or at TJ Maxx, trying on all the crazy hats.

She knew how to dress herself and her friends. Whenever we shopped together, she’d pick out stuff for me and I’d tell her that’s not going to fit or that’s not going to look good. She’d insist I try it on anyway and it was always perfect.

This past March we went to Chicago to visit our friend Rina, and the two of them shoved me in a dressing room and kept insisting that I try on different dresses. Even though I’m older than both of them, they treated me like their little sister and liked telling me what to do:

“You will go out and drink all night. You will take a nap. You will talk to men at the bar. And worst of all, you will go out dancing.”

But they did it with such love, I couldn’t get upset with them for looking after me and that’s what Nevada always did.

Nevada liked to talk a lot, although not on the phone as any of her friends will tell you.
I wore her down after a while though.

She would talk to me on the phone whenever I needed her. One night in particular, I was having an anxiety attack late at night and I called Nevada. She talked to me for over an hour, until I was totally calm and could fall asleep peacefully.

Besides, she knew better than to allow me to text her while driving, so she allowed me to call her often.

Nevada was a pied piper for us all. Just look around. At least 5 of her friends started getting our haircut at Red in Birmingham by Sara after Nevada’s hair looked so great.

Thanks, Sara. (shameless plug. Red is located on Old Woodward).

Nevada’s infectious joy at being in love was evident, no matter how much she pretended otherwise. I remember the first time she got flowers at work, from Trevor. Orchids.

The look on her face, and her smile was one of somebody completely smitten, and when I said,

“Looks like he’s going to be around a while,”

Nevada played coy saying, “I’m not sure yet.”

I said, “You can pretend all you want, but it’s pretty clear this guy has gotten to you.”

Only with time, would we all understand how true that was.

And because she was in love and I’m single she wanted me to meet somebody and
she took it upon herself to be my online dating pimp.

Nevada set up a profile for me on Craig’s list and screened all the respondents and only forwarded ones that she deemed worthy. She told me, “ I knew you’d give up with the first penis picture.”

She was right. J I didn’t do any better in person. This summer, I’d come home from a weekend up north with my friend Connie, explaining we’d gone out to the bar. I’d refused a drink from a cute guy across the bar, because I didn’t think he’d bought it for me.

Nevada didn’t hesitate to tell me, “ You’re just a total moron, when it comes to men and dating.” And yet, that’s how she showed she cared. She had a way of insulting you but making you feel very loved at the same time. She made me see myself in unexpected ways.

I had the most fun with her than I did with anybody else. We’d laugh so hard at the stupidest things. Her and Trevor used to host the best parties. One of my favorites, was at her house in Detroit, she’d named it, “A Wino and Cheese Party.” All guests were asked to bring cheap wine and any orange cheese product, like Cheetos or Cheese Whiz. A big group of us sat in her backyard drank and ate processed cheese, until the wee hours.

Another thing we did all the time was walk. Now, I suppose they started out, as an exercise in fitness, but what they ended up as were our walking therapy sessions. Nevada charted out new projects, or gifts for friends, and we talked about nothing. That was everything.

Often, we walked to either Bastone or Black Lotus and ended up with beer or pizza. I don’t think we ever lost much weight, but we sure had a good time.

I could tell her anything. My heart was always safe in her company and vice versa.
Nevada was never judgmental, but was gifted at asking pointed questions, so you’d draw your own conclusions.

The last time I saw Nevada, she was about to leave for California, and I’d told her I’d take her shopping to get out of the house.
She told me that was cool, because they’d be celebrating Trevor’s birthday out there and she needed to get his gift.

After I’d brought her back to Trevor’s, we found him on the porch, having a drink and smoking a cigar. Nevada sat down on the porch and typed out specific instructions for me on how to care for her plants, while she was gone.

As I got up to go home, I said something about flying safe and being careful.

In her typical Nevada way, she said, “ Wouldn’t that be ironic if I died in a plane crash on my way to get brain surgery?”

I laughed, and said, “I don’t really want you and Trevor to check out like, Buddy Holly and the Big Bopper, so if you could just come back that’d be great.”

She laughed.

And then I hugged her goodbye.

I had no idea it would be the last time.

***************************************************

Nevada,

We used to joke about living in the nursing home together.

You teased, I’d be saying hi to everyone and you’d be grumpy to all that walked by.

I’m going to keep saying hi.

Because I know somewhere you’re answering hello.

Friends

2009-10-15T23:03:00.000-07:00

Not a good sign. Insomnia = 2 a.m. blog entry.

Ah well, let's go with it. While I wait to get sleepy. Or re sleepy. Wait, is that a word? Doesn't matter. I have an audience of 2 and they will forgive me. :)

Went out tonight with Nevada's friend Barb who flew here from Oklahoma for the Michigan Memorial, after previously flying to the Oklahoma service. She kicks the dirt off her boots in Texas, normally.

Anyway, What a great friend to Nevada. And knowing that but nothing else made me like her right away. Then we all got to talk and laugh and I liked her even more. Kim and Tom joined us and it was awesome. It has struck me this week, how quickly I've bonded to Nevada's friends, considering we're all strangers.

One could argue we are all grieving and share a bond. I won't argue with that logic, but I think it's bigger than that. Nevada was very picky about whom she'd consider a friend. Maybe that's why she was so famously grumpy to many. It kept away people she didn't have to time for and the rest of us, were lucky.

There hasn't been a single fight, or any drama of any kind. That's not an easy thing when you put together 9 or 10 women in the same room that really don't know one another. But Nevada knew how to pick us.

We've all been on the same page. When a bunch of us met over the weekend at Trevor's house to clean it and get it ready for his arrival home, we discussed the memorial and other things to be done. We were tripping over ourselves to do the shopping or whatever. One person got a new shower curtain, somebody else coordinated airport runs, somebody else picked up a Guest Book, and we decided as a group who could make what dish to stock Trevor's fridge upon his return.

When other friends who aren't in the immediate area yet, heard about our plans, offers of money to help buy supplies poured in. We collected it as a group and in the end we decided to donate it to the MoyaMoya foundation. Perhaps we all felt the least we could do for Trevor was buy him some comfort food, while he finds his way without his dear Nevada.

I've been humbled all week by the absolute generosity of strangers, who don't feel like strangers but rather people who've been there all along. I have a passing knowledge of most because Nev and I talked about our lives and the people in it, all day, every day. Whether it was during one of our walks, over text, IM or email.

And it was never gossipy chat. Because Nevada never did that. She didn't need to. She let you know to your face what she thought so you never had to wonder what was said later.

I feel good because after I came back from dinner, I worked on her speech for the memorial. I'll do some editing in the morning, but I think I conveyed what I wanted to say. I read it aloud a few times and choked up in all the same spots, so at least on Saturday, I'll know when it's time to get my Kleenex.

I'll post it here after the Memorial for my two fellow blog readers. (Thanks 4th Street and Lacy).

These bonds are forming fast. Nevada would have liked that. She wasn't one for small talk and somehow when you're all gathering because of death, it's kind of silly to start conversations with, "Boy it's cold."

Our collective grief is comforting and heart breaking, as we come together to honor the life of a girl so brave and protective of others, that even in her death she gave all she had to others in her desire to be an organ donor.

Who ever has her heart, has all of ours too.

Thoughts from Nevada and Winnie the Pooh

2009-10-10T08:32:00.000-07:00

Even when Nevada suffered many strokes and her passion, writing became difficult, she was still keeping a journal, which is a testament to her strength, passion, and love.

From Nevada's notebook 9-6-09

Friends. Make me feel sane and loved. Even on days I feel insane, unloveable, and downright unsmart. Bu I have to trust that because these quality people love me and care what happens to me that maybe I did turn out after all and that is a good thing. Sometimes life seems hard, but I can make it through with family and friends. Sometimes I seem frustrated or distant, but deep down I love them and care. Hopefully I do. Talbot and Michelle coming to Detroit this weekend meant a lot to me. And that gesture extends beyond them. It was an exclamation point on the travel, care and takers of friendship and love extended to everyone.
I am grateful.
I hope my gratefullness shows.
I hope they all take hugs and friendship as repayment... which i know they will.
I am glad I picked these friends.
I will try to write more tomorrow- its just too hard right now.

9-29-09
Night before the 1st Moyamoya surgery. This week has been full of tests since we arrived last Tuesday. Met Dr. Steinburg yesterday, he seems nice and knowledgeable. I'm in good hands. Remind me of that at 5 a.m when I'm in a full-fledged panic. Marna gave me a notebook from Aunt Tammie & Uncle Ron w/ notes from people at the Hitchcock church. Made me cry. Never have I felt so loved. By my family, friends, & people I don't know. Surgery is at 7:30 am tomorrow. Due at the hospital at 4:45 am. Time to sleep.

"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together, there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart,... I'll always be with you." - Winnie the Pooh

I'll Fly Away

2009-10-10T05:31:00.000-07:00

Lyrics by Allisun Kraus

Some glad morning when this life is o'er,
I'll fly away;
To a home on God's celestial shore,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

[Chorus]
I'll fly away, Oh Glory
I'll fly away; (in the morning)
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

When the shadows of this life have gone,
I'll fly away;
Like a bird from prison bars has flown,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away)

[Chorus]
I'll fly away, Oh Glory
I'll fly away; (in the morning)
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

Just a few more weary days and then,
I'll fly away;
To a land where joy shall never end,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away)

[Chorus]
I'll fly away, Oh Glory
I'll fly away; (in the morning)
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

SAFE

2009-10-05T15:26:00.000-07:00

My day started at 5 a.m.
I couldn't sleep. Had a good cry for a while and then a nap.
Pulled out my copy of Nevada's book yesterday and read the inscription she'd written for me.

Book is called, "Waiting for the Sunrise."

Nevada had written, "Kelly, each new sunrise is a chance to finish your book."

I know I'm going to have to put all my grief somewhere useful, and I'll start here and transition into something at a later date. I'm remembering all over again, how writing soothes me and it's a passion Nevada and I share.

At home today, I continued to search for tangible things that I can hold onto and she is all over my house. We hung out many a night drinking a few beers after our walks and I cooked her plenty of dinners, when we decided we were too broke to go out.

Looking at my bookshelves, I recognized a writing book she'd given me a couple birthdays ago. I opened it just now to a page that simply reads, "Safe."

Which means several things to me. One, I know it means she is safe, wherever she is wandering right now... probably stirring up trouble or telling a story to a captive audience.

Safe in the very literal sense of the word. Last year my dear godfather and uncle Joe passed away, and as a result I struggled immensely with anxiety. And it's not something you can easily share with others. If you think you're cracking up, you want to hide it. One night though, I found myself alone in my house and so very scared and I didn't know what to do, so I called Nevada.

The girl who didn't like to talk on the phone talked to me for a over an hour, defecting all my arguments.
Me:" But I lost my spare key outside."

Her: Is anything missing?

Me: No.

Her: So you just think somebody comes in when you're at work, watches tv and then quietly leaves before you get home?"

Me: Laughing. Well, when you put it like that... no.

She soothed me so by the time I hung up I was snuggled up on the sofa fast asleep.

But safe is the way I always felt with her. She was so strong and protective of me. Even though I'm older than her, she was always watching out for me. Whether it was making sure I'd drank enough water after we'd gone out, or she'd just gone head to head with a giant dude who tried to grab my butt while we were out dancing.

I'm not kidding. He was way bigger than her and she pushed him away from me, before I even knew he was there and told him to leave me alone. He wasn't backing down and neither was she.

He finally moved on and then she marched over to the group of guys he was with to tell them, "Your friend is an asshole." They all apologized. Later we found out, they didn't know the guy either.

But Nevada had a way of making even grown men tremble. And I certainly felt emotionally safe to share anything. And I do mean anything. I'm realizing just how many things she knew about me that even friends I've known for 20 years didn't know.

Because my heart was safe from scorn with her. And I was safe being myself. She didn't want me to be anyone else.

Now, don't get me wrong. When she thought I was being stupid, she'd say, " Don't be an idiot." Or stop acting like a moron... but she never made you feel stupid. It always ended up making me laugh.

She helped me see myself in unexpected ways. I hope I did the same for her.

Nevada please know, everyone that loves you and especially Trevor will keep you safe in our hearts forever.

The Wild Haired Oklahoma Girl

2009-10-04T13:11:00.000-07:00

I have lost one of my very best friends and while I can hardly believe my beautiful soulful friend Nevada, isn't just a text message away anymore, I find myself searching for tangible things to hold onto.

I know over the next few months, hell even years, I'll talk of her and laugh about the things we've done and I'll share that here.
But for now, I'll simply post one of her blog entries. It sums her up pretty well.

Love to you, Nevada.

Below is her blog entry.

I vow to do the work. It's all I can do until the chance is given to begin my toils. And it is a work I will be happy in doing. I know the road is often long and hard, but any travel, no matter how difficult, is worth it if your companion is good.

So here's my promises:

I promise to...
Open my mind and let important people in.
Open my heart to the same.
Let down my walls in order to achieve true understanding.
Stand up for myself if need be.
Pursue outside interests on my own.
Encourage the pursuit of outside interests in the lives of those I love.
Collaborate and cultivate joint interests.
Step outside my comfort zone on my own.
Allow others to help me step outside of my comfort zones.
Communicate nearly obsessively to understand and be understood.
Argue, debate, discuss, but never put down or hurt intentionally.
Dance, laugh, sing, walk, travel and generally enjoy the life I have and the life I am capable of having.
Remember friends both old and new.
Meet new people.
Be silly, have fun, find my inner child and give her a huge hug.
Better myself in my career, in my finances, in my home, in my life, in my relations.
Let go of fear.
Strive for and respect individuality.
Be a little more selfish and a little less shy.
Remember to bend so I don't have to break.
Expect more and strive for more.
Try new things and never let the ruts of comfort get too deep.
Offer unending, unconditional friendship.
Believe in the future and never lose sight of the next beautiful moment because I'm focused on the end of the journey.

And most importantly, LOVE deeply, sincerely, justly, and unconditionally.

Un Inspired

2009-09-29T08:44:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling a bit jittery. I blame the Starbucks coffee they sell in the cafe in my building. I even got the mild blend, to no avail. Such as it is. At least I got a decent night sleep last night, which is always a bonus.

Life has been less than stellar lately, but all I can say about that is at least I'm still here.

Not much news, I was hoping this blog post would help me get my brain unstuck so I can concept, but it seems all I do at work lately is go to an endless series of meetings about projects with still too vague parameters.

Alas, what can I do? Except sit and my desk and type out sentences?

GLEE

2009-09-10T13:41:00.000-07:00

I'm delighted to report that after months dry tv viewing, (with a few exceptions like Mad Men) I watched a show last night that I think I'll really enjoy.

It's called Glee, about a bunch of misfits in high school in you guessed it, the Glee Club.

View the trailer and come back.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WzWrnsASi3c

This was only the second episode, so I'm sure it will smooth out any rough spots, but I'm enjoying it so far. Maybe because I relate to the misfits way more than I ever related to the jocks or cheerleaders or popular kids.

Sometimes, it's just nice to have a little escape from the recession, the unemployment rate, my walking wounded friends, and just sit back and laugh. Careful, or I may even sing.

Play that Funky Music White Girl

2009-09-03T11:51:00.000-07:00

My list is still in the works... but here is what I have so far. It's turning into a neat little writing exercise and I can see some of this material working its way into my memoir.

Think of 25 albums that had such a profound effect on you they changed your life or the way you looked at it. They sucked you in and took you over for days, weeks, months, years. These are the albums that you can use to identify time, places, people, emotions. These are the albums that no matter what they were thought of, they musically shaped your world. They stood up, they lasted, they mattered.

They still matter, in some way (even if only in memory). W

Ok here goes. A warning. Randomness shall ensue.

1. Kindergarten Round Up: Or some such name. My brothers and I got an orange record player and this was I believe my first "official album." Lots of sing along songs about sharing and snacks, if I recall.

2. Jesse's Girl: Oh, how I wanted to be Jesse’s Girl. I loved Rick Springfield and I asked for this album for my 6th birthday. My dad delivered Rick in his white tank top, and I didn't even know that was weird.

3. The Beatles- The album with I want to hold your hand. It got a ton of airplay at my house. Down in our basement. Later when my cousin Colleen used to babysit we pretended we were the Beatles. I was Paul, she was always George. Revolution and Back in the USSR were favorites.

4. Quiet Riot- Cum on Feel the Noise- This was one of Shane's first albums, and I really liked the song when I was about 8. Again, no context to what I was listening to. I just knew it was fun to hop around on the couch and bang my head up and down- cause it was fun.

5.The Go Go's- We Got the Beat. This 45 rocked. Shane would jam it out the window when we lived on South Hill in Milford. Happy times. Happy music.

6. Judy Collins- Send in the Clowns- Not happy. My mom used to listen to this album and whenever I heard it, I knew she was really sad. Post divorce, that first year. This song still makes me cry.

7. Annie and Grease- The soundtracks to both. We owned these two tapes and we rotated them all the time. I always wanted to hear Annie but Shane and Bj liked Grease more. I loved Grease too, but Annie rocked in her own Orphan way. This was post divorce too and there was a sense of freedom and fun, whenever we piled into our rusty white Toyota Corolla.

8.Bob Seger’s Greatest Hits: I was a junior in college. And I listened to this tape over and over driving from Big Rapids back to Milford in my grandpa’s Oldsmobile Wagon. I was 20 and really didn’t want a station wagon, but then how do you turn down a free car? Three hours of Bob and I never grew tired of his “Night Moves.”

9. Alanis Morrisette- Her Jagged Little Pill was the rage all over campus. It was my first introduction into female angry lyrics and it helped me deal with my crush on the cheerleader who didn’t like me back. And yes, he was a male cheer-leader.

10. Poison’s- Talk Dirty to Me. When I was in the eighth grade, this song was so awesome. I loved it and would pretend to sing it into the vacuum in the morning before I left for junior high.

11. Madonna- Crazy for You, Like a Virgin, Borderline, Material Girl. All of them played on in the background of my junior high slumber party existence.

12. Which brings me to the Dirty Dancing Soundtrack. I loved this album. Maybe as much as the movie. I loved it so much in fact, that when a concert tour came to Pine Knob, my mom took me to see it. What a lady!

13. 1984- A Van Halen album. My first rock and roll crush, Eddie Van Halen. I was in awe of this guitar playing skills.

Father Daughter Bonding

2009-08-27T11:22:00.001-07:00

Yesterday afternoon, I called my dad to see if he wanted to have a visit.
My cell phone battery was low, so I called from my office phone.

The conversation went something like this:

Me: Hi Dad. How are you?
Dad: Not feeling so well today. I don't think we should waste a visit.
Me: Ok, I didn't sleep well and should probably go home anyway.
Dad: Is that a man in the background? Do I hear a man?
Me: Yes, I'm at work. I work with lots of men, dad.
Dad: Oh, I thought maybe you had a boyfriend. Wishful thinking I guess.

Costco and Other Things

2009-08-12T12:54:00.000-07:00

I'm back to work after another delightful trip up to the Lake Leelanau area. Rachel, and her kids and I trekked up on Friday and returned Monday night.

Dog parades, complete with a celebrity sighting, a trip to the beach, the Lighthouse at the state park, a good time was had by all. (Aidan Quinn and the chef, Mario Batalli.)

I hope we get to do it again. Perhaps in the fall? We'll have to see how it goes.

The work day is happily flying by and soon I'll be free. Rachel and I taking a trip to Costco tonight to fill up her new freezer. I suspect I'll spend a lot of my time in front of the book table, itching to buy 4 but will allow 1 if I really want it. I don't need any books though. But that's not going to stop me.

In other news, my toes are in serious need of grooming in the way of a pedicure. I'm thinking maybe this weekend? Again, I'm playing it by ear.

Hoping to get a visit with my friend Nevada too. She's resting at home again too, but I'm not sure when she'll be up for company.

An ode to Leelanau and Old Friends

2009-08-04T13:37:00.001-07:00

This past weekend I spent time doing two things I love. Hanging out with my very best friend. So where you ask?

In Lake Leelanau on the Leelanau peninsula.

Four whole days. C. and took off from her house on Friday morning and headed north. About an hour into our drive, we decided to stop off for some shopping at Birch Run. I scored some of my very pricy face wash for mega cheap, and she talked me into buying this very cool ring, that I'm enjoying right this very second.

After that we just drove and drove. But the long ride is fun with the right company. C and I could talk for days with out stopping, of this I'm quite sure.

Once we arrived at my mom's we unloaded the car, and then had a snack out on the deck. My mom came home shortly after and the three of us headed out to dinner.

The name of the restaurant escapes me, but we had a lovely dinner outside with a view of the water and the food was delicious and tasty drinks. After dinner, we went to Music in the Park in Northport and listened to music.

We were tired from our drive after that, so we headed home and caught up on all the episodes of Entourage.

Saturday morning we awoke to some gray weather, but C and I got up and went out for coffee and hot tea. When we got back, we got ready to go to the art show in Suttons Bay.

I bought a beautiful photo of a beach in Empire and C. bought a few pictures for her house too. After our art fair we walked around and looked at all the shops in SB.

We came home then for a snack a little rest before we went out again. I was tired but C talked me into going out to the bar.

Around 10 pm, we headed out. And ended up running into my cousin M. who was just getting off work. We got drunk on this new wine/mead that tastes like cherries, but really packed a punch.

Sunday the sun was bright but the wind was fierce. But we didn't let that stop us from going to my favorite Beach at Good Harbor. Before that, we picked up sandwiches at The Cheese Shanty. Two words for you: Pretzel Bread.

Makes the best sandwich ever! We walked on the beach, read our books and soaked up sun. I managed to get a little sunburned even with sunblock. It's a gift, I swear.

We stayed at the beach most of the day and into early evening. Came home, ate dinner and headed out for another drink, just to mix up the scenery.

Monday we got up, got ready and went to breakfast. After that, with full bellies, we drove to the state park. We wanted to go on a hike on the walking trail, which was beautiful. The only problem? It had rained pretty heavily the night before, so the mosquitios were biting full force. Even with bug spray.

I've got a few bites on the back of my neck. We then stopped at a U-Pick flower place, where it's self serve and you pay by the honor system.

After that, it was sadly time to pack up and go home.

I had a great time because the trip itself was the right amount of fun and downtime, and lots of variety, but mostly because I got to spend 4 days with my very best friend, and I feel so lucky for that.

Despite the husband and now 2 year old son, she still has time for the girl she taught how to curl her hair.

Us vs. Them

2009-07-29T07:30:00.001-07:00

My job is odd sometimes. Like right now, I'm sitting in my own cubicle trying to write about a new safety feature for a Lincoln. That's my job. To write a video script about said feature.

The problem is that right across the aisle from me are a pack of account people. And they talk insanely loud. I know us creative types get the bad rap. We dress more casually, we may come in a little later etc. But when we get here, we all retreat into our own little worlds with our own ipods so we can listen to our own soundtracks, and do what we do.

Which doesn't include: TALKING AT THIS VOLUME ALL DAY AND THEN CACKLING WITH LAUGHTER.

Who knew that making power point presentations could be oh so loud?

Rachel and Derek

2009-07-20T12:23:00.000-07:00

I am beside myself with sadness, grief,and disbelief.

My good friend Rachel, her husband Derek passed away on Saturday. He was 35 years old. And as I type this, I'm still not believing it's true. It can't be.

Rachel and I went to high school together, but we became good friends after it was over. We used to spend Saturday mornings working together at this little dry cleaner in Milford.

With nothing to do but tag clothes, we talked about our lives. It wasn't too long into our Saturdays that Rachel mentioned she'd met a guy, Derek. They met classic with a twist.

At a cheesy dance bar in Waterford that we all used to frequent. But Derek was a bartender and Rachel was a coat check girl.

She told me later, he knew that night that he wanted to marry her. They dated and they really just seemed to click. I remember Rachel telling me the engagement story. They'd had dinner at home. Derek then pulled out the ring, and asked Rachel to marry him.

Typical of us females she started crying and immediately said yes. The part of the story that stuck out and still resonates, is that Derek asked,

"Aren't you going to look at the ring?"

To which Rachel replied, "I don't care about the ring."

It was classically beautiful and elegantly simple.

Our talks turned from dating to wedding plans.

At this point, Rachel and I were close but I wondered if she'd invite me to the wedding. As I'd wondered this one Saturday, it turns out Rachel was waiting to talk to me in person.

She not only wanted me to be at the wedding, she wanted me in the wedding.

I was so honored to be included in such a grand manner, and it was my first time I'd ever been asked to be a brides maid.

You've heard of Bridzella? Rachel was the complete opposite of this. She went out of her way to make everything go as smooth as possible. And it was dress shopping that I first met Derek.

For some reason, when I get nervous I tend to swear a lot and this particular day, I kept swearing. So Derek started giving me a hard time and telling me, I better not swear at his wedding. After that, the two of us were off and running.

I quickly learned this is how Derek expressed himself to people he liked. On their wedding day, a guy at the bar, asked how do you know Derek?

I replied, "He just married my friend Rachel." I still have fond memories of cruising around in the Hummerzine, after the wedding. Rachel and Derek were married on the day of the Woodward Dream Cruise, so it was chaotic good fun.

And Rachel being the friend she is, wanted to make sure I would be able to get home from the wedding the next day. You see, I had a horribly old and unreliable car.

I'm guessing that's how I ended up riding back from the wedding night with Derek driving, Rachel upfront and myself and Derek's dad in the back seat. (this was the next morning).

I endured more teasing from Derek. Something about crashing his wedding night, but I knew by now he was being sarcastic. I think you either got his humor or you didn't.

Rachel and Derek moved to Royal Oak and about this time, I went to Atlanta to go back to school.

Rachel and I stayed in touch and visited whenever we could, whenever I was back in Michigan.

By the time I'd moved back to Michigan and later, Royal Oak, Rachel and Derek had two kids, a girl and a boy.

Oddly, I ended up living only two miles away. I was invited into the family fold. Birthday parties, dinners, barbeque's on the deck in the summer. And it was nice.

I enjoyed the feeling of family and togetherness whenever I visited the house.

Sure, it was crazy with lots of commotion and constant movement, but the feeling that resided above all of that was a unified family and the love, affection and teasing they all shared, together.

And I was always welcome. It was sure nice for me, since I'm single and sometimes it was nice to hang out with the two of them. I'm not Oliver Twist or Annie, and I have my own family, but a friend family is different.

Because you pick them. You choose to hang out. I remember last winter calling Rachel late on a Friday night, to see if I could come over. A creepy guy was following me around while I shopped. Rachel said of course, and I came over.

I was greeted with Derek, thanking me for "luring the killer right to his front door."

How I will miss that. He was always making me laugh and he was such a kind man. That was obvious anytime he played with his children.

And I appreciated how much he clearly loved Rachel. The way they just fit. I never worried about anything coming between them. It was obvious they really loved each other and because of that, could conquer any advervisty that came their way.

It was inspiring to watch, and it reminded me to never settle. The right one will come along. And he did for Rachel.

And now he is gone.

My heart is aching for Rachel, for Derek, and for his children.

He will live on in those that loved him, but how I long to hear him joke around just once more.

I'll do my best to be there for Rachel and her children.

Maybe one day, she'll even laugh again.

Until then, I'll help her cry.

I'm Praying. Will You?

2009-07-16T13:09:00.001-07:00

Sometimes life doesn't make sense.

One of my very good friends is facing the possibility of living life without her husband. He's only 34.

I don't know what else to say. He's in the hospital right now but things aren't looking good. I don't know where to put this angst, so I'm going to have to find a way to channel it.

Please say a prayer, a chant, or anything you can think of for Derek, Rachel's husband.

And say one for his two kids.

I keep wishing this was a tv movie of the week, but so far nobody is saying cut.

Fabulous Seattle

2009-07-08T18:12:00.000-07:00

I'm back from visiting my friend Barrie in Seattle. It turned out to be one of the best vacations I've ever had. There was just the right blend of activity and downtime. I went on a hike and yes, fell down. But I'm fine. Saw a concert with a guy who sings like Johnny Cash, named Vince Mira. Stood right near the stage, and it was awesome.

Then I saw history being made as Barrie got 380 in Ski-ball. It was amazing. Saturday we trolled around downtown Seattle, and later went on a mini walk a thon to see some Fire works at this park, called Gasworks. Sunday was a lady spa day complete with a massage.

Monday was a tour of the library, a gungy bar called Shorty's, sushi, ice cream and yet another beautiful park. Monday morning it was lattes and cupcakes for breakfast at this little shop in Ballard, near Barrie's house.

It was the perfect anecdote to my stressed out life here at home. I actually slept great the whole time, ate fairly healthy, did a lot of walking and talking, drank a lot of yummy coffee, and just enjoyed hanging out without having a lot to do.

I also met Barrie's boyfriend Dominic, who was very friendly. It's always a little scary to be some body's guest because you never know how it's going to turn out.

No worries here. All went amazingly well. I'm going to hold this positive mood tightly in my grasp for a few more days.
And some-how block out the fact that I came home to a $1200 car repair, and jury duty.

Barrie and I were already discussing my next trip which is a lovely thought. Let me just pay off this car bill first.

My Reality

2009-06-29T13:19:00.000-07:00

The weekend passed without too much fanfare, which sometimes is a good feeling. Lots of chores at home including piles of laundry in preparation for my vacation. Not that I plan on taking a lot of things, but I want to return to a closet full of clean clothes, a tidy house and a freshly washed comforter.

This means before Thursday I'll have to set foot in a laundry mat. I feel the dread. It's supposed to rain tomorrow, so hopefully that will help me motivate.

I made homemade and healthy carrot cake cupcakes this weekend. Went and sat on the roof of Memphis Smoke and had a beer in the sunshine, tried to watch this movie, "This Property is Condemned," but alas, I couldn't get into it.

Went to Victoria Secret where I bought both a bra and undies for a reasonable almost normal price due to my coupon and the fact it was the semi-annual sale time.

Chatted with a friend who moved away. And I mentioned I was going to Seattle in a few days. To which she replies: "Oh, did you get a good sale on the airfare?" She always assumes, the only way I can do anything is if it is on sale. I did in fact, get a decent airfare, but I'm going because I want to see my friend that moved there.

She has always been unduly judgemental, especially considering her parents just bought her a condo. Ah well. That's why we aren't that close anymore.

Watched an episode of my new guilty pleasure, Tori and Dean in Hollywood. Yes, it's a show about Tori Spelling and her family.

And you know what? I think it's really good. She isn't bitchy or stupid. She seems pretty normal and most of it, is her doing normal things. And she's funny. But since she is a celebrity, occasionally you see her doing events or TV shows, and that just makes it fun. Because really?

In my opinion, a reality show should be an escape from my normal life. And I don't think I'll be having my own reality show anytime soon.

What would that consist of? Oh look, there's Kelly on a date. I'm cringing for her. Oh man. She got stood up. Now we'll all watch her sit on the couch or in her backyard and read. Look at that, now she's making lunch. There she is doing laundry. Why is she eating standing at the kitchen sink? Let's follow her to the gym. No wait, it sure is boring to watch her wait to get on the damn weight machine.

There she is at work. Why is she just typing all day? I thought advertising was glamorous like it is on Mad Men.

If only people, if only.

Assorted Ramblings

2009-06-18T12:48:00.000-07:00

*I celebrated a birthday this week.
By all accounts it was a good one. I spent some time with family, assorted friends, pampered myself with a pedicure and tried not to dwell on my age or the fact that I'm still single. Not much good comes from that line of thinking. Instead I tried to embrace the good things in my life and the people who love me. Even when I'm crabby or sad.

*I LOVE Levi jeans. They just fit me. And while I still have the goal to go down one more size, the current pair I do own make me feel good in body and soul. Applying this logic, I was shopping recently and noticed that Levi's makes shorts too. Why in the world then, are the shorts so horribly unflattering? I mean seriously god-awful.

*Which came first the alcoholic or the cancer patient? Both are battling in my life at the moment.

*I finished Beach Music recently. I loved it. It will certainly become a favorite in my book reading mind. There is something truly extraordinary about the way that Pat Conroy tells a story. There is clearly one main protagonist, but he writes so richly that all the characters become important and beloved. And the ending. I won't spoil it, but I was happy with the story from start to finish and will still never be able to fully convey how wonderful it was.

* Mad Men. In prepartion for season 2's release on DVD, I've started to re-watch season 1, and it is incredible. The way that Betty was so adoring of Don in season 1, and his blatant disregard for his marriage vows during the entire season. And yet, Don Draper is somehow, still like-able, still charming.
Which got me thinking.
Would I still think that about him, if he looked like a regular guy rather than so incredibly hot and charismatic?

Update

2009-06-01T12:56:00.000-07:00

My Life to date:

Beach Music-Fantastic. Still not finished. Plan to finish it by the weekend for sure.

Work- Summer Fridays start this week for me. Hooray!

Movies- Saw the new Star Trek. It was a fun movie and I'm in no way a Trekkie. Still haven't watched, Benjamin Button. Can't seem to sit down for a three hour movie.

Dating- Yes. Could be better. Could be worse.

Working Out- Need more Elliptical machines. My biceps are becoming shapely.

Music- The new Eminem cd is a good summertime choice.

TV- Waiting for new season of Mad Men that starts in August. Sigh. Enjoying Rescue Me. Good like it was the first few years.

Trips- Several long weekends up north, some solo some with friends. The first of the season, to come Thursday. A "real" vacation to Seattle over the July 4th holiday.

Almost the Weekend

2009-05-21T13:36:00.000-07:00

Since it's almost May and an entire month has gone by, I thought maybe it was time to update the blog.

Problem is, I don't have anything I need to share. Hopefully though typing will get my brain working and remind me that I do indeed enjoy this blog writing.

Can't believe the holiday weekend is almost here. I'm breaking tradition and going up north a week or two after this year. I can't wait to get up there though. I really love it.

My weekend plans here consist of the following:

1. Scary movie night outing a friend's house Friday
2. Party in Royal Oak Saturday
3. Matinee with dad and brothers at some point during the weekend to see the new Terminator movie. Boy friendly flicks work best.
4. Possible scouting of new cell phone
5. Maybe cleaning out my car
6. Misc. trips to the gym
7. A farmers market outing
8. Watching Curious Case of Benjamin Button-Have had it a while
9. Finishing my book, Beach Music.
10. Start writing story ideas or even better stories
11. Finish sort out closets and see what kind of work out clothes I currently own

Check back after the weekend, to see how many of these things I've completed. I'm kind of curious myself.

Seriously?

2009-04-15T14:04:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else that works in an office, loathe the term, "webinar?"

Or instead of asking, "Do you have free time to work on X project?"

We are asked if we have "bandwidth?"

No. I have no bandwidth because I'll be attending webinar's the rest of the week.

Sometimes I feel like a nut

2009-04-09T11:02:00.000-07:00

Things that need to leave and or drive me nuts:

1. Croc shoes- Oh how I wished this was a fleeting trend. Yet, it appears this "shoes" are sticking around for god knows how long. Plastic shoe? Come on people. And just because you pair them with wool socks, that doesn't mean they're good for the winter.

2. Beware emails: The ones that are for your own good. But for somebody like me who is already paranoid sometimes, I don't need constant reminders about how not to roll down car window because a masked gun man will shove his hand in my car, and I should carry around a club or something.

I know it's good to be prepared, but all the warnings tend to freak me out more. I think the old rule of, Don't talk to strangers is still valid. Enough said.

3. Noisy co-workers who leave their cell phone set at full volume and then leave it all afternoon. Yes, we all know you have a message now. Thanks for sharing.

4.People on the free way who act like they're entitled to drive in the exact same spot, even when one is trying to merge.

5. Girls with fake nails and tans. Trouble. All of it. Steer clear or dramatics will ensue.

That's enough for today.

My work day is slowing down and soon I'll be having happy hour. Score one for half off drinks. It makes the other things on the list just a tad more bearable.

Hooray!

Bodice Ripping for the Ages

2009-04-08T18:22:00.000-07:00

Real life isn't a romance novel. Which any single woman can tell you. Or married ones can tell you the same thing. But more on them next time.

The whole premise of these books is completely over the top anyway.

Amazingly beautiful, extremely intelligent, and sassy (the women are always sassy), woman just hasn't met THE ONE.

Insert dream man who is equally attractive, perfectly sculpted body, kind and generous to a fault, and you've got your two main leads. Their names must be as exotic as the tropical island they live on together. Women have names like Raven. Men are Ridge or Thor.

Because romance novel characters are never Bob and Sally. That's just not romantic.

Having read my share of the romance genre in high school, I can assure the plots never twisted in this way:

Guy finds girl on a social networking site. We’ll call him Thor.

They were former high school classmates, and it's 20 years later. Thor and Raven strike up a friendship, which the relationship turns flirty, and then guy asks girl out.

The plot glitch?

He lives several hours away, but makes the trip and the date is by all accounts a success. Thor and Raven continue chatting and it seems like this is heading somewhere.

But it reaches an impasse when Thor is invited to return for a visit and he explains he can't make it. But wants to know if they're dating.

Raven isn't sure, but wants to spend more time together and offers above mentioned invite, which is rebuffed. In the meantime, hours upon hours are spent talking, instant messaging and texting.

After several months, Raven has had enough of the status quo and tells Thor she'd like to date him. Thor says, I'll have to think about it.

Thor has fallen off the face of the earth.

2nd plot twist:

Raven is sad. But knows she needs to try again, so with the push of some good friends puts out a personal ad and gets a ton of responses. So she isn't really into it, but tries to go along with it.

After a few weeks one guy, we'll call him Quinn appears interesting, smart and funny.

They begin talking and decide to meet. After the date, Raven has a freak out and realizes it's too soon and she shouldn't be dating anyone.

She tells Quinn of this, who is understanding.

Does the story end there? No.

Raven has a change of heart and explains to Quinn.

He is amazingly responsive and they agree to slow down and see how it goes.

A few weeks go by and Raven is now ready and likes Quinn, who all along appears to like her, and tells her often.

They've agreed to meet and talk about it if both are ready to go forward. No, not with marriage or anything serious. Just to see if they'd like to date. Have some fun.

Raven asks Quinn to meet up. He initially says yes, and then later in the week, Raven is broken up by Quinn via text message. A modern tool that hasn’t made its way into romance novels as a plot device.

But it is out here with the real people.

In the novel, Quinn will have a change of heart and realize he can’t live without Raven for one more second.

In real life, Raven is sad right now. But she is on her way to get her haircut. And she’ll continue to live her life the best way she knows how.

And that apparently does not include men named Quinn, Ridge, or Thor.

Poetry for the Pained

2009-04-07T08:21:00.000-07:00

Dating Haiku's:

You sir, give good phone
When I want you in person,
the phone stops ringing.

He was a nice man
Witty, smart and full of charm
Alas, I was thrown down.

You, in hot pursuit
Broken hearted, I try again
Then, it is over.

I expect a slap
and a tidal wave of pain,
Please cure my cynicism.

She, a soulful girl.
Funny, caring and thoughtful
When will it happen?

If one more person
tells me to love myself, I
could retire in Prague.

Home Again

2009-04-01T10:40:00.000-07:00

My trip to Chicago was fantastic. An oversell? Nope.

Two days of good friends, drinks, good food, a trip to a comedy club, and a snow storm with nothing but my spring coat?

Priceless.

Now, it's time to plot my next trip. It really helps brighten my day to day mood to know I have something to look forward to.

That and Johnny Cash's music, and springs arrival.

And yesterday morning on my way to work, my neighbor's cat, Sushi was apparently so excited to see me that after I petted him, he leapt onto my back.

He stayed there for several minutes.

"Everybody wants to be a cat."*

*Nashville joke.

My Kind of Town

2009-03-26T11:31:00.000-07:00

"My baby takes the morning train."

That's right. Tomorrow morning, Nevada and I are boarding a train to Chicago to see Rina. Drinking, laughing, shopping and eating shall commence.

Can't wait. I love trips with good friends, where the only thing on the agenda is to enjoy one self.

These women have been here for me through some messy life things. My dad's cancer, my skin cancer, day in and day out at an ad agency antics, and everything in between.

"Some people come into your lives and quickly go. Others come into your life, leave foot prints on your heart and you are never ever the same.

Looking forward to a few days with people who make sure I'm doing ok and always have my best interest at heart, and mine in theirs.

Wow! This is sappy. :)

Happy Weekend.

Strike Out

2009-03-19T08:12:00.000-07:00

Today is a company sponsored bowling party in Dearborn to celebrate an award on some of our work.

Free food, beer, and pizza. I don't know that I'll be particpating in the bowling part of the afternoon.

I bowl like I dance, which is to say awful and laughable. I think the last time I went bowling it was about 15 years ago with my mom and Shane on a Sunday morning.

We had Bloody Mary's and for some reason, my thumb kept getting stuck in the thumb hole and making this odd popping sound.

And the last time I was hanging in a bowling alley, Karlene and I decided to go there to see if we could meet any men. It was not to be.

As soon as we sat down, Karlene says:

"The cutest guy here doesn't have any teeth."

My Older Brother

2009-03-18T13:11:00.000-07:00

Shane

Nobody asked you to do it
Feeding me peanut butter and cornflakes
Through the crib rails
Before mom got up-

Sharing luke-warm fruit cocktail
Out of the can.
Sticky, syrup
Dripping from our hands
Saving the cherry till the end-

Defending my honor
Against a giant named Billy
Ruining your white Converse
You’d bought with paper-route money.
Splashed muddy brown.

Giving me a white cross necklace
Decorated with pink roses
Was even sweeter than
Strawberry Shortcake’s hair,
And my favorite present on
My 7th birthday.

Hugging me
With warm arms
That bent like Silly Putty

Sitting quietly
Talking,
About nothing

That was
Everything.

Wednesday

2009-03-12T13:17:00.000-07:00

Last night was awesome. There is something so liberating about hanging out real friends, where anything can be said. You won't be judged. Mocked perhaps.

But at least it will have an undertone of love attached.

The only down-fall to my night of revelery was that it wasn't a Friday. It was a Wednesday and now I'm having a long work day.

Still, it was worth it and I'd do it all over again given the chance.

I See!

2009-03-04T10:14:00.000-08:00

I did it. Lasik is done.

This week my eyes are recovering and for the most part, it's fantastic. Occasionally up close, things look a little blurry. But the doctor says that's normal and considering without contacts everything in my life was blurry, this is a bonus.

No other news to share, so I'll go back to work while listening to my ipod and sipping on my Diet Dr. Thunder.

Rose's Glasses

2009-02-26T10:25:00.000-08:00

It isn't often that you can actually type:

"My life is going to change." But today I can type it and mean.

Tomorrow morning, I'm getting Lasik eye surgery. So what does that mean?

Well, it means that the glasses I've had since I was in the 5th grade are going to obselete. My first pair, I remember having a blueish pink tint, and my mom wanted to make them pretty for me, so we picked out little gold stickers. A KQ to stick in the corner of my glasses.

Sure wish I had a picture of that. My glasses that I have now are simple wire framed, slightly cat eye-ish and have suited my needs just fine for the small amount of time I actually wear them, which was usually as little as possible.

Glasses made me feel ugly and nerdy. Not smart. I know I'm smart, but that didn't mean I wanted to put glasses on my face to prove a point.

When I started high school, I was horribly shy and insecure. My mom took pity on me and allowed me to get my first pair of contacts.

This was long before the disposal trend, and so contacts were to be treated like gold coins. Not like paper cups. And I was fairly responsible, but I was still 14.

And often dropped them in the morning when putting them on. I'd have to wake my mom up and she'd help me hunt for them while grumbling about it. But hey, at least she helped.

Tomorrow I'm facing a new frontier. One where I'll never again have to blindly stare at my alarm clock, haulcinate that there's a man on my neighbor's roof, or wear lenses that I'd accidently soaked all night in my mom's homemade face cream.

No more "faking it" at the eye doctor, or trying to discern was 1 really bettter than 2 or is that P actually an R?

Oh and the next time I go to the renew my driver's license, I'll be able to uncheck the box that says corrective lens.

Movie Night

2009-02-23T12:19:00.000-08:00

No Oscar fever this year. Usually I'm excited to watch and do what I can do particapate, but this year, "I just wasn't that into it."

Instead I went to my new friend Monica's house and hung out with her, her husband and their freind Steve. Every month they host what's called, Scary Movie Night.

Now, scary movies aren't my thing, but this movie was more campy than scary and it was really all of just laughing, talking and snacking. I had a lot of fun.

Saturday, I had lapsed myself into a coma with to much snow and tv.

Yesterday, I decided to go get a pedicure, then walked around Royal Oak, got some mexican take out, and picked up my house a bit.

But socailizing was just what I needed to break me out of my slump.

The movie by the way was some Werewolf movie. Not scary, except for the wooden dialogue.

More Texts with Brian

2009-02-21T16:18:00.001-08:00

In an ongoing series, I'll share text messages from my dad. A man who about a month ago bought a new Macbook, and has already burned a few keys off with a stray cigarette.

I'm so glad to see him embrace technology in new ways.

1. Roses are red. So what? I like daisy's. HAPPY VALENTINE DAY!

2.Just like Ernest Hemingway said: All true stories end by having a drink somewhere.

3. Are you having a mint Julip or ya'll settling for a Bud Light?

4. You Nashville Cats know all the little tricks don't you?

5. Do you want to go to a movie today?

6. Sunday is Super Bowl Sunday. A good day for football, bad day for shopping.

7. Thanks for everything.

Moody Blues

2009-02-20T10:19:00.000-08:00

Women.

We are all over the place. Yesterday, I was crabby and mad.

Today I want to cry and I don't know why. One could say it was hormones, but I don't know if that's it. I kind of hope it is, because that means these mood swings are just a temporary thing and I'm not actually having a freak out for no reason.

Honestly, I'm a pretty level-headed person. And I don't suffer from mood swings too often.

Anyway, I thought writing about it would help, but it hasn't. So, back to work.

Wrong Side of the Bed

2009-02-19T12:42:00.000-08:00

I'm a crabby ass bitch today.

Stay away if you know what's good for you or I'm likely to yell at you, like I yelled at my co-worker this morning. I was coming up the stairs, holding hot coffee which is a scary situation for anybody that knows me. As I'm holding the door, in an attempt to be polite despite my inner bitch, E. decides that I no longer need to hold the door.

In fact, he decides he will go around me and makes me almost spill my coffee. To which I finally say: Just go. I'm already holding the door. Just go through it. I appreicate the chivilary, but seriously this coffee is burning my hand through this thin paper cup.

He said he appreciated my brutal honesty. Not sure if that's true, but today I don't care.

Nashville and a vintage poem

2009-02-17T11:41:00.000-08:00

Nashville was a fantastic time, and I'm in fact having withdrawal today. As there are no other female Quinlan's, BBQ, beer or good country music here in my cubicle.

What an office it would be, if there was. :)

I'm certain next year's trip will be even more fantastic, when even more attend the Quinlan extravaganza.

Today, I found this poem and it's a couple years old, I'm posting it below. I'm sensing a theme, some are less angry, but they all seem to center on loneliness. I'm all the more lucky for such a great family and support system.

Stir (ing) Crazy

In the middle a lecture on algae,
From a guy wearing corduroy pants,
you realize you’re jealous of your laundry,
and you would rather be home folding it.
He wasn’t worth the effort of shaving.

But being single is knowing the kicked-in–the-teeth, sharp pang of
loneliness will pass.

Being single is realizing that a bad relationship isn’t better than being alone.
He tells you on a weekend in the Hamptons,
he knows what he wants,
And its not you.

No guest to bring, you will spend the slow dances of wedding receptions
sitting at the table smiling, when you want to scream,
at the happy couples
Fuck you.

Every night is girls’ night out when you’re single.
Your girlfriends are sympathetic,
until a boyfriend blots their memories
like a Rorschach test.

Being single is knowing a good date is not a promise of happiness,
but maybe,
a chance to test the effectiveness of the pill.

It’s Sex and the City without the designer shoes,
It’s eating Ben and Jerry’s,
straight from the carton.

There’s no point in settling.
Being single is about enjoying your own company,
and hoping someday
so will someone else.

Nashville Bound

2009-02-11T11:26:00.000-08:00

How will I celebrate the holiday that singles everywhere endure year after year with cheeky good natured disgust? I'll be hanging with Cupid in Nashville with a pack of female Quinlan cousins and Aunts.

I'm getting excited. We leave Friday. Even the car ride is sure to be an exciting adventure. These women are my family, but we're a very close family to the point that it will feel like a long weekend with some of my favorite girlfriends.

In the last few years, I've actually gotten over my Valentine bitterness. Realizing it's truly sort of a dumb holiday. But, I do love any reason to eat good chocolate and I'll celebrate that any day of the week.

I'm sure I'll have lots to report on the trip, so stay tuned. I'm really hoping we venture to the Grand Ole Opry. That would be sweet.

Shamrocks and Tacos

2009-02-03T08:37:00.001-08:00

I was out at the bar with some friends last year and a few of them were British.

So, somebody says: "Isn't it Cinco de Mayo?"

And one of the Brits, says" What's Cinco de Mayo?

And the other Brit says: "It's like St. Patrick's Day for Mexicans."

Welcome to the Cubicle

2009-01-29T12:28:00.000-08:00

So, I work in corporate America. And while, it's not as button down as being an accountant, it's still a pretty sterile enviroment, to write creativitly about whatever the order of the day is.

To ease this juxposition, I've tried to spruce up my work space with personal items.

Let's now take a tour of Kelly's work space.

My home away from home first needs some type of wallpaper:

To that end:
1. Johnny Cash's Mug Shot
2. A print out of a Wizard of Oz coloring book with a caption that reads:
"Dorothy is very Unhappy." She is crying and Tin Man is consoling her.
3. A bumper stick that just says, "Cash".
4. Funny drawing from a birthday card.
5. Photos: One of my family in FLA, Shane and Magnus, and assorted office humor cut-outs.

Onto my lone shelf we have:

1. A postcard of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
2. A picture of a woman in bed- Caption reads: Golly, That was fun!
3. A miniuture Etch A Sketch- Ohio Art is one our clients
4. Assorted medicine: Pamprin, Ibuprofen.
5. Snacks: fresh blood orange from this morning, a stray peanut butter cup, a packet of sugar-free hot chocolate, a 100 calorie pack of Cheez-Its, a bag of peppermint tea, and a pack of Orbit Sweet Mint gum.

On my desk itself, a metal rack with assorted files where I shove things and then never look at ever again, 2 vendor coffee mugs, a phone I never use, and a brand new imac with a 24" inch screen. This is causing cubicle envy. At least once a day, somebody comments about how large my screen is.

This concludes our tour. Please visit our gift shop on your way out.

Worth A Lot More

2009-01-23T09:34:00.000-08:00

I went to a dear friend's going away party last night. And I was filled with both sadness and joy. The festivities took place at Crave, a swanky bar in Downtown Dearborn.

2 Gin and Tonics: $14.00.
1 G&T for Nevada: $7.00.
My share of split appetizers: $24.00.

Spending the evening with Usha, in her last night in America:
Priceless.

Goodbye, good luck. You'll be missed.

Pedi and Lager

2009-01-21T14:24:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's already been a long week. And it started yesterday.

To preserve my sanity, I'm meeting Nevada for pedicures and beer after work.

When will some person think of this, so I can also sip a beer while somebody paints my toes?

You'd have a line out the door.

Grand Tarino

2009-01-20T13:49:00.000-08:00

My morning started when an old man in a wheel chair seemed to be trying to race along side my car.

Then I got stuck behind a hearse.

The day hasn't gotten much better.

At least it's almost over.

Oh, and I really liked Grand Traino.

See it if you get the chance.

Off A Day

2009-01-19T18:44:00.000-08:00

My day off today was semi-productive. I slept in a bit, which is really the best part of a day off for me, hands down.

Then I took my new weight routine to the gym and tried it out. My arms are sore, so I'll take that as a good sign. Feels good to be finally getting back into a routine-even though part of my longs to never have another one. Sigh.

More shredding of papers and filing of papers. Then a quick visit to my cousin Shannon's house and then it was off to a dentist appointment, because nothing says fun day off like the dentist.

Finished the last of the bounty hunter books a few days ago, so it's time to dig up something to read off my shelves.

A little 30 Rock and then it's bed time, so I can get up and head to the gym and start the crazy cycle all over again.

Text Between the Lines

2009-01-14T13:58:00.000-08:00

My dad is 63 and he's recently embraced text messaging. Here are a few of my favorites:*

"Was watching something from HALLMARK on TV. CRAP. It always is with them them. Their story is always weak. the background is cheesy and they don't hire any known actors. They SUCK! HAPPY NEW YEAR!
DAD

"Your Snuggie has been here since Saturday."

" I hope to see you of course but it may be too cold for salt to even work. Could be risky."

"No but as bored as I am it's worth talking about at least once. Plus, did you notice how I replaced the word HAZERDOUS With the much smaller word RISKY for the purpose of texting?"

*text spelling and formatting have been replicated as they originally appeared.

The Ice Storm-The Movie

2009-01-12T09:12:00.000-08:00

I watched the Ice Storm this weekend. It came out in 1997 and was directed by Ang Lee who went to direct, Brokeback Mountain.

Since I'd seen Brokeback Mountain, I was able to see clearly Ang Lee's directional style. Beautiful cinematophography, dark and dramatic. Problem was, it was dysfunctional and depressing.

Not a single likeable character, and then just when you think it can't get any worse, it has a horribly depressing ending.

I'm all for a good dark drama and like a little coffee with my sugar, but this was too much for me.

You've Got Mail

2009-01-11T15:35:00.000-08:00

I'm winding down my weekend with a little emailing and tv watching. The organization project presses on. Have scheduled a pick up of my random crap for Thursday, and have shredded what feels like a brick ton of old papers, bank statements.

And it's always made me realize that I have way too much stationary. I need to bring back writing letters to friends. I miss those days when you'd come home to find an actual handwritten letter in the mail.

Granted, I do send cards for Christmas's, birthdays, celebrations and sympathy, but I should be writing more hand written cards, instead of relying on the instant gratification that email brings. Email is still a valid way to keep tabs on my friends and family far and near and I don't see it going away either.

Just more pen to paper. My moment of Zen is approaching. Each day I make progress in another room and soon, I'll be able to head to the store and stock up on all things orgaizational.

Let's hope sleep comes tonight, as I've just dedicated an entire blog to cards and letter writing.

Insominiac Nation

2009-01-08T22:19:00.000-08:00

Insominia strikes again. Had it last night, so one might assume that tonight sleep or the sand man may visit, but it just isn't so.

That's ok. At least it's Friday tomorrow. I've got a project due, and I didn't get very far due to doctor's appointment. But that's ok. I'll drink a lot of coffee and power through.

This weekend's agenda: Possible gym trip with Shane for a new weight routine and possible movie outing with those boys for Gran Torino.

And I must finish organizing my upper flat. Something I started when I was on Christmas break. Made the appointment for my junk to be picked up next Thursday. I find deadlines motivate me.

Surf and Sleep

2008-12-27T23:07:00.000-08:00

You know what's relaxing and cost effective if you've got insomnia?

Online shopping but not buying anything. I really think it's best to wait till morning to decide. If one can't even find the credit card, it's better to just go back to sleep.

Or if that doesn't work, I can always keep looking at pajamas.

Goodnight.

2008-12-24T20:11:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas to everyone!

I defy anyone to watch, It's A Wonderful Life and A. Not Cry and B. Have a newfound appreciation for all your friends and family. And C: Not want to marry Jimmy Stewart.

Sitting in my new Christmas jammies, with my lap top. My family has already opened our gifts and ate our turkey. It was delicious. Shane did a good job with it.

Tomorrow we've got the whole day open to sleep, lounge and hang out. Then we'll meet up to go to the movies, and perhaps visit each other some more.

Merry Christmas to all my friends and family. I love you all. A special shout out to Colleen who is in Alambama. I hope you're doing something festive.

Love you.

Catching UP

2008-12-21T17:55:00.000-08:00

In honor of the fact that I haven't blogged in almost a month, and I met my old writing friends for a carb loaded fabulous lunch today, and I'm filled with optimism and hope, well, I decided to blog.

Had a great weekend. Dinner with Usha on Friday night, despite terrible snowy conditions. Saturday, was last minute shopping and then chores. After that it was off to Connie's for our annual Christmas gathering. We hung out, had drinks, had a great dinner that Connie cooked for us, and then I spent the night.

When somebody is your friend for that long, it's just nice hanging out together and enjoying Christmas. And Connie knows me well, and always gets me the perfect gift. This year, was a gift card for Ann Taylor Loft, the movie the Holiday and some assorted treats for my movie night.

Today was the fore mentioned lunch with my wonderful writing group and our annual holiday book exchange.

One and half days of work this week and then it's onto Christmas break.

And the older I get, the more absurd romantic comedies become. With a few exceptions. One being, Love Actually.

Because it's about all kinds of love, and it truly makes me feel happy when I watch it. I defy anyone to scorn at the child who plays LIam Neeson's son, as he runs through the airport to confess his true love for a classmate.

Or the unrequinted love for Laura Linney that would be finally realized, but she won't allow her own personal happiness to interfere with the well being of her brother, who is mentally ill.

It's Gonna Be A Good Day

2008-11-22T07:31:00.000-08:00

You know how it's gonna be a good day?

Plenty of sleep, lots of coffee while watching a Paul Newman movie, and the sun is shining.

And oh yeah, meeting up friends later to see the new James Bond movie.

On my way to get the last Stephanie Plum book out of the library, and then maybe a pedicure. Just because it's been a long week. And I can.

All this before 11 a.m.

Oh Boy.

Don't Say You Know If you Don't

2008-11-19T17:52:00.000-08:00

Over this past weekend, I ventured to Brooklyn in NYC to visit some friends. Specifically, my old art director partner and his family.

Had an awesome time. They really made me feel welcome in their home, and I felt very at ease. New York, I have visited a few times, but it seems I was always just in the Manhatten area. It was nice seeing some different things.

Went to a dive bar called the Patriot, where you can get a $9.00 pitcher of beer and a decently stacked jukebox full of old country.

Visited another bar called, Chocolate Bar where all they serve is chocolate, desserts and wine to accompany both.

Did some shopping. And a little napping. Ate some authentic Brooklyn pizza by the slice.

Went out for the night and came home and 5am.

Spent a day at Coney Island which was crazy wonderful. We had drinks in this closed up bar with a bartender who asked me my sign, told me stories about Mitch Ryder, Jackie Wilson, and Al Capone. All the while, I sipped free beer.

All in all, a wonderful escape. A great trip. I can't wait to go back.

2008-11-18T18:57:00.000-08:00

Unfinished

Kook almost died,
Born to early.
Too small-that’s what everyone said.
It’s better to let go.

But Brian and Susie prayed on.
And put Joe in Charge
Of God-fathering.
Full of light and jokes,
Joe kept Kook laughing.

As the years passed, Kook got healthy
But Joe got sick.

There was still laughter and light
That was Joe’s way.
Kook couldn’t help him.
She could only hug him.

It’s better to let go.
Tell him good-bye-

And pray that isn’t the last time,
Kook and Joe
will see eye to eye.

New Day

2008-11-05T07:15:00.000-08:00

I'm proud and hopeful this morning, for a new dawn in America.

John Mccain, I felt gave a very classy concession speech.

And Obama proved that one man can move a nation.

And I lost weight after a month of see sawing back and forth on the scale.

Good things lie ahead.

November 4th

2008-11-04T13:24:00.000-08:00

Voted. Vaccinated.

Check and check.

No matter who wins, a change is coming.

And for that, I'm thankful.

To Do

2008-11-03T13:25:00.000-08:00

Sad wave is still crashing.

Alas, Monday is almost over. And tomorrow is already turning into a busy day: Voting, flu shot, lunch with a friend from out of town.

Man.

Hope I'll be able to get my work done sometime in between there. :)

Fear not.

Fat Tastic

2008-11-02T17:47:00.000-08:00

I feel like I've been swallowed whole by my inner fat girl today.

Haven't wanted to leave the couch all day, and I didn't except for a quick stop to the grocery store.

What's wrong with me? Having a sad day, I guess.

Maybe thinking about eating cookies. But I didn't.

Perhaps the gym in the morning will shake me up?