Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Grief is changing. I'm finding it's always present but at least it has the decency to take a background chatter/ache some days. Then other times out of nowhere, when you dared to smile and laugh for just a minute.... it slams hard and takes over your whole body.
Now, I should have seen this one coming. I bought a memorial keepsake ring with the intended purpose of storing a small amount of my dad's ashes inside. No one would ever know.
But it should be him, as I've already had his initials engraved on the inner band. I can't very well store somebody else in there.
The ring arrived very quickly after I ordered it.
Great deal on a classic looking ring from deaddad.com. (Kidding).
Anyway, the ring came with a mini funnel and crazy glue to fill and then secure the tiny opening after. That in itself made me laugh for some reason. It's all so absurd.
I mentally steeled myself, and got out the directions. After carefully lifting the lid on my dad's urn, (a cookie jar for those that don't know), I scooped out some ashes.
Spooned them into the tiny hole with a plastic spoon and... drum roll.... nothing.
The ashes are very fine, but apparently they are no match for the tiny funnel.
They were still too big to fall down into the ring opening.
What could I do? I simply packed everything up, poured a beer and vowed to try another time.
It got me thinking though. Maybe I'd just keep the ring, sans dad. I will still wear it in his honor. But maybe he doesn't need to live inside my ring that I wear.
This isn't a question that can really be solved. Every one is different, and what works for some may not be suited for you.
And any choice is yours to make. Because that's the thing about grief. Books can be written, stories can be shared,but at the end of the day, grief I'm finding is really a path we all have to travel on alone.
Yes, we need lots of help, love and support along the way, but the ultimate healing must come from yourself.
This morning, I'm contemplating my ring. To fill or not to fill?
And the bigger question, where to take my dad to set him free?
I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to spend eternity on bookshelf in a Shamrock covered cookie jar.