Sunday, September 12, 2010

For Carol :)

It's been a while, I know. I've just been off grieving. And some days that means just going to work, coming home and vegging in front of the t.v. I haven't felt like I've had anything note worthy to say either. But, my writing isn't going to improve if I continue to ignore it, like I do the laundry.

So... let's see. Got paid for a freelance job and responsibly paid off my credit card with my newly earned money. But today, I managed to rack up a couple of dollars. Not to worry, I can pay that off this week on payday. But the thing is, I was at T.J. Maxx and they had a lot of cute clothes.

And since I feel very fat and unattractive, I went to the gym this morning and then went and bought some new things. I'm not new to the ebb and flow of clothes shopping. But usually, I just suffer through my fat stage looking as ugly as I feel, and that really doesn't help.

So, instead I bought some super flattering work out pants, and a few new shirts. Including my outfit I'll wear to honor Nevada's one year anniversary. And then I met a friend for a pedicure.

Why? Well, because my toes were seriously ugly looking. Now, I'm sure I'm as fat as I was this morning, but I feel more motivated. I need a few more new shirts, but I'll get those soon.

Weight is definitely a physical thing, but it is also a mental issue. And mentally, I feel cuter. AND ready to take on the gym in my hot new work out clothes.

That's important. I came home and cleaned my house. A house where clutter where always live, but I'm slowly sorting through it. And then I made home made soup. Why? Because I need to take care of myself and treat myself with some kindness. And bit by bit, I'm coming back to myself.

I don't know when the hard grief will change to a less crippling pain,but while I wait it out, I'm going to be at the gym. Or getting a pedicure. Or at the library. And sometimes at the bar.

Turns out, you can cry anywhere.

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