Write On

I'm lucky in that I get to sit at a desk and write. The bad part of that is because that's the nature of my job, I rarely have the energy of feel like writing outside of my job. But I need to. Writing has always helped me express emotions and deal with my pain.

And unfortunately, this past year has given me a whole lot to work with. Problem is, that my writing is so rusty. It's about as out of shape as me right now. But, I have to put hand to key board. I've kept journals as long as I can remember.

Writing is my escape and my salvation. I have taken small steps in writing in this blog.

Onto some actual longer writing.

The Blonde and Witch

In recent weeks, I've started collecting mini Madame Alexander dolls for a friend's daughter. The theme is Fairy Tales, and I ended up with an extra Cinderella. So I brought her to work to hang out with my mini version of the Wicked Witch of the West doll.

It got me thinking of different sides of my personality. The good little doll with the pretty blond hair doing what everyone wants her to do. And the little witch who does what she wants, but maybe hurts people in the process.

Every person needs a good balance of witch and Cinderella. Or their version of it. This past year, as turned me inside out. And some days, it felt like the bad was going to over take the good. But, it hasn't yet, and Nevada's one year is coming up.

We'll drink, laugh and remember. I think on that day, I may be just a little bit of the witch, but I'm hoping to be filled with the good cheer of Cinderella.

OK Monday

Woke up to stare down another day. As far as Monday's in an office go, it's not too bad. No pressing deadlines today, a lunch time walk, homemade potato leek soup for lunch, and now I'm back at my desk. Typing.

Tonight it's time to go visit a good friend that had a baby. It's hard to feel sad while holding an infant. So, looking forward to that. I'd hoped to make them home made dinner, but there just isn't enough time. They'll enjoy some Boston Market instead.

Busy week ahead:
Tuesday: Lotus Night.

Wednesday: Therapy. Then shopping for Connie's birthday gift. I've known her since she was six, but when I asked for some gift ideas, she said no beer or coffee. UGH. Who doesn't want beer? :)

Thursday: Possible walk with a friend after work.

Friday: Is going to be brownie baking for a BBQ on Saturday and more gift shopping, if I haven't found anything yet.

Saturday: Walk and lunch with a friend. Then a BBQ with more friends. Whee.

Sunday: Birthday lunch and walk with Connie.

Let's hope I don't end up at the gas station buying her one of those hanging pine tree car air fresheners.
Yes, staying busy helps me.

In between these days and outings, I'll sleep, do some dishes, sort more clutter at home, mail a few letters, pay some bills, do some work at work, watch Mad Men, and as a friend put it best the other day: Just Be.

For Carol :)

It's been a while, I know. I've just been off grieving. And some days that means just going to work, coming home and vegging in front of the t.v. I haven't felt like I've had anything note worthy to say either. But, my writing isn't going to improve if I continue to ignore it, like I do the laundry.

So... let's see. Got paid for a freelance job and responsibly paid off my credit card with my newly earned money. But today, I managed to rack up a couple of dollars. Not to worry, I can pay that off this week on payday. But the thing is, I was at T.J. Maxx and they had a lot of cute clothes.

And since I feel very fat and unattractive, I went to the gym this morning and then went and bought some new things. I'm not new to the ebb and flow of clothes shopping. But usually, I just suffer through my fat stage looking as ugly as I feel, and that really doesn't help.

So, instead I bought some super flattering work out pants, and a few new shirts. Including my outfit I'll wear to honor Nevada's one year anniversary. And then I met a friend for a pedicure.

Why? Well, because my toes were seriously ugly looking. Now, I'm sure I'm as fat as I was this morning, but I feel more motivated. I need a few more new shirts, but I'll get those soon.

Weight is definitely a physical thing, but it is also a mental issue. And mentally, I feel cuter. AND ready to take on the gym in my hot new work out clothes.

That's important. I came home and cleaned my house. A house where clutter where always live, but I'm slowly sorting through it. And then I made home made soup. Why? Because I need to take care of myself and treat myself with some kindness. And bit by bit, I'm coming back to myself.

I don't know when the hard grief will change to a less crippling pain,but while I wait it out, I'm going to be at the gym. Or getting a pedicure. Or at the library. And sometimes at the bar.

Turns out, you can cry anywhere.