Smaller

I'm starting to feel the positive impact of waking up at 6:15 in the morning.

Not because I'm getting less sleep, because beleive me, I love sleep, but I've been waking up early to go to the gym. I've lost 8 pounds so far after a month of gym and eating better.

For this I'm excited. I have had the mental shift that I need to keep me on task.

Stay tuned for updates.

Marriage is Not a Competitive Sport

The singles among my friend group are dwindling.

That isn't that surprising when you consider that me and most of my friends are in our early 30's.

But there is a plus side to still being single. You're in your 30's. That shoudn't mean you're just waiting to turn into the old spinster of the neighborhood. Hopefully, it means that you're figuring out your own life.

Trying to navigate your career, your finances, becoming at peace with your physical apperance. Knowing who you are, so that when you meet somebody you can offer your whole self. And not be waiting for him to fill in some gap. You should have learned to enjoy your own company. Like yourself as a person. And to single women everywhere, can we please stop looking at men, like they are the holy grail? And stop buying into the idea that a wedding ring suddenly means you aren't defective anymore?

C'mon. It is a toxic way to think, that as soon as we get married, we will feel complete. I don't know about you, but I've never met anybody that had me at hello.

I think the key is to be complete alone, and then when we meet someone the person will enrich or enhance our own lives, and we can do the same for them. Married people aren't given keys to the secret garden where they sit around all day, drinking wine and waxing poetic about the state of their union.

They are just like us singles, but instead of one pile of dishes or laundry, there is two. If you're happy hopefully your spouse is too.

It has taken me a while to get to this point. I spent many years feeling like there was something wrong with me, or I wouldn't still be alone. I don't buy it anymore.

And why not? Well because I'm sure that my self worth is not supposed to be dependent on someone else.

Don't get me wrong. I've had those moments where I've felt so lonley it was palable, but so has every one. Married or not.

I will try and remember my own words of wisdom, the next time I'm called upon to stand around with other singles and catch the bouquet. That public humiliation stains a lot longer than red wine on the carpet.

And if you've forgotten, just remember that a glass of wine is a great chaser to bitterness.

In Sickness and In Health

My dad has been sick for the past few months. I wish he had the flu.
But actually he has lung cancer.
It sucks.

However, he's doing well right now. Considering.

He just finished his last round of radiation last week. Sadly, he's not even new to the cancer thing. He first got diagnosed back in on September 30, 2003.

When I woke up that morning, I remembered it was the 30th Anniversary of James Dean's death, because I collect random movie trivia like other people might collect stamps or tea-pots.

I had no idea that I would end the day learning my dad had been in the hospital because he was throwing up blood.
I was away in Atlanta at Portfolio Center trying to become a copy-writer.

Since I had recently graduated, I headed back home to Michigan, and my dad offered to let me live with him. This was working out great. I needed a place to live, and he needed help with his cancer treatments.

No, I didn't actually adminster any needles or any such thing, but I went with him to doctor's appointments. I helped him pick out scarves the day his hair fell out, and I stood patiently while he spend an hour in the produce section alone of Meijer''s.

And then I finally got a job writing copy and moved out.

But he is sick again.

A new tumor which is supposedly good news. And I have a new copy writer job, and no that doesn't mean I spent my days making the ® symbols either. But now it is harder because I'm not there every day. I go spend weekends sometimes and visit after work, but it's not the same.

It is strange to be taking care of my dad. A bit of role reveresal. Mostly, I'm glad he lets me. It is nice to return the favor.

I remember when I was in junior high, and my dad had called when I would have been getting ready to say hi. He was always up at the crack of dawn. Literally. It wouldn't be unusual for him to call you at 6 am and ask what are you doing?

I told him that I wasn't going to school and went to take a nap.
I woke up a few hours later to a knock on the door.
My dad had brought me soup and the new tape single of Madonna's song, Cherish.

I'm not sure how he knew that it was my favorite song at the time.
I only know that dads" have a way of surprising us, and they listen even if we think they can't hear us.

Goodbye Travis

My cousin Travis died.

He was only 27 years old. Right now, we don't how. And I don't think I'll know why for a long time, if there is ever a reason.

Travis and I were not super close, but we were cousins, and we come from a huge proud Irish family. I lived in Atlanta the same time that he did. You see, I was going to Portfolio Center and Travis was playing football for the Atlanta Falcons.

Life being the way it goes, we never did get the time to have a visit. We had a few phone calls, and I'd see him at the giant family parties. Never thinking I would run out of time. Positive we'd get to together this summer for a party and have lots of fun.

I'm sorry this happened. I know we will all miss Travis. Especially his mom and brother. I don't even have the right words to say to either of them. All I could do, is show up. Sometimes there is nothing else to say.

And know that we all loved you Travis. I hope where ever you are, you're playing a bad ass game of football.