Thoughts over Pancakes

Maybe life's greatest stories stem from the jobs you didn't get and the boys who left you so you'd end up with a man.

This is Spinal Tap

Stellar week.

Do I believe in fate and destiny? Perhaps to a certain extent. Do I think a huge disappointment will ultimately lead me to a much more fulfilling life?

Maybe I do.

But the funny part is that sort of clarity only happens after the next great thing occurs, so I can think: "Oh and that's why that happened?"

I do know this week that I've made some great friends in this town. And perhaps my path crossed with them so I could do more in my future. They fill in gaps. They drink with me, dance, listen, but most importantly they show up.

But cancer? No. That just fucking sucks.

The Vietnam War? I got a bone to pick with you. I don't need to be a political activist to understand that the war ruined the best part of my father.

And what does he get for bravely enlisting when others ran?

Exposure to Agent Orange and now spinal cancer.

Lung cancer+ throat cancer+ spinal cancer+= No more treatment available.

Do you think our government is standing up saying "we're sorry. What can we do?"

No.

What my dad got for his bravery and his heart and soul was a few dollars which got shrunk down to nothing when he was deemed healthy enough to return to work.

He can't work. His job was very physical. He climbed trees. Manned chain saws. Swung from ropes.

We're gonna fight for the rest of his benefits so my dad may enjoy whatever time is allowed to travel. To see things. To smoke if he wants. Have a drink.

The motto of the United States Marine Corp: The few. The Proud. The Marines.

My dad is proud. He is brave. He is dying.

He is mine. He is my brothers.

He is Loved.

Mourning Sickness

You know how writing makes you feel like you forgot to get dressed?

That's what this entry is gonna be like for me. But one thing I've learned is that writing helps me deal with stuff and speaking the truth isn't easy or pretty but it is necessary.

So here goes. My dad I know I've mentioned him a time or two in this space, well he's been dealing with cancer since 2003. And this past Tuesday we got the news that I never wanted to hear. MY dad's cancer has gone into his spine.

There is no more treatment. Just a management of pain medication from now till later.

We weren't given a time table and I know myself, I don't need a time table. I will miss him for the rest of my life. I'll mourn him and his absence so I'm certain I don't need a ticking clock over my head to tell me, I better cram in all my visits, I better commit every conversation to memory as if it were our last.

This I already know.

I'm hoping to talk to him about taking a trip someplace. Hopefully Ireland.

I don't know what else to say. I'll do this one day at time, minute by minute if that's what it takes.

Memorial Day

I'm back. Back to work.

Spent the weekend up north. First it was to see Kathleen in Roscommon. We had a good visit and it was really nice to break up my drive into 2 easy parts. There's something about family. A shorthand where you don't have to fill in all the blanks, but they help you deal with cracks in the family shell.

Then it was onto Lake Leelanau to see my mom. We went to an Estate sale, had lunch at the Cheese Shanty (awesome sandwiches)pretty much trolled around town and hung out. When we got home we had a great steak dinner.

The next day was more of the same and then my brother, his girlfriend and his friend Jeff came up to surprise us. That was cool. We all hung out, went to TC and did not a whole lot of anything but it was fun just the same.

Yesterday we went on a nature walk, breakfast at the bakery and sun-bathing on the deck.

And of course since it was the nicest day of the weekend, it was naturally the day that I had to drive home. I packed up and headed home mid afternoon. Expecting horrible traffic, I was pleasantly surprised to find myself zipping right along.

Even managed to stop at the outlet mall where I got a new pair of tennis shoes and some workout clothes.

A good weekend, a nice kick off to summer.

Cowboy Redford

Breakfast of champions:

Half a soft pretzel. Wasn't feeling the wheaties.

Oh well, some days are like that. I've got a healthy lunch with lots of veggies and fruits to counteract the pretzel bite.

Watched The Electric Horseman last night. It's about a rodeo star who's not as popular anymore, so he ends up running off with the prize winning horse when he finds he's being mistreated.

Starring you guessed it, Robert Redford. I'm sucker for him, for his acting, for his subtle and always interesting roles.

It also had Jane Fonda in it as a reporter who chases him on the run.

Willie Nelson is in it and sings, "Don't Let your Babies Grow up to Be Cowboys."

All in all a good movie.

What's Your Sign

This morning after I woke up and dragged myself to the gym, I was driving to Walgreens to pick up a few items. Across the street in yet another strip mall was an optical shop. The name of said shop? Eye Iota.

I wouldn't ever set foot in such a stupid sounding business. Just couldn't do it. There was a salad bar place in Atlanta when I was living there, called Lettuce Surprise You.

First off that's just a terrible pun, and secondly I don't think the word surprise should ever be included in a salad bar.

My point is, I guess I'm picky.

I notice signage, I read table cards at restaurants, I will notice a well-crafted headline on a napkin. This is part of the job. Life of a copywriter is one where you'll never casually look through an ad in a magazine.

If it's well done, I stop and read. And if it's horrible I often imagine how things must've went south after the client meeting. Or the creatives tasked with the job had there hands tied the whole time, and thus ended up with something like this:

A diversity ad for a job fair. The visual? A big rubber band ball with you guessed it, multi-colored rubber bands. The headline: Diversity: It's what bands us together.

True story. I didn't write that line. I was forced to put it in the ad by a controlling client, whom I have no idea what happened to them.

Perhaps they took a job at Hallmark. Or maybe they're out shopping at Talking Book World (another good title ).

One More

I'm numb today. Numb to bad news, impending sadness. My dad called me last night as I was laying in bed reading, to check in. To tell me how his latest doctor's appointment had gone.

It seems the doctors now suspect that he may have cancer in his spine. His spine. We don't know what they're going to say, what the doctors if anything can come up with.

All I know is that cancer is a roller coaster of the worst kind. It's brought me to my knees in both devastation and prayer. For every good report there seem to be 4 bad ones waiting around the corner.

And what could I do when he told me such news in the way that only my dad could. Blunt and to the point. He's always been a man that doesn't mince words. I admire and find that fearful at the same time.

He told me that he was glad it was him that was going through this and not me. He said, I'd had to fight too hard to live when I was born so prematurely.

I should've died then. And he can't die now. I feel like cancer is a floating balloon above my head, but I can't let go of the string.

When I was little, I used to call him Daddy Quinlan and he let me stand on his feet while we danced. Now I call him dad, but I don't want the song to be over yet.

We've only just begun.

Which Doctor

Thursday Morning. Me. The skin doctor. The cancer. A show-down.

It'll be nice to see what they say about the whole thing. Patch me up and send me on my way.

Last night, I got to hang out with my friend Rachel and her two kids. We had dinner, hung out and made Jimi Hendrix out of clay. And oh yes, he was purple.

Not much news. Shane is coming over Saturday for another gym tutorial. I need a new weight routine. I've started making progress with my whole spring clutter clean out.

Many closets and surfaces to go, but one pile at a time.

Maybe tonight, I'll get somewhere since the weather isn't good.

Write, Write

It would be completely unoriginal for me to point out that it is Friday and this has me feeling pretty happy.

So instead I'll say, I had a nice conversation with Shane this morning, the sun is out, I can sleep in tomorrow, and it looks like the best season in Michigan is here.

Other than that, this weekend, I'd like to get a visit with my dad, go find a dress for Tonya's wedding, and start trying (again) to clean out some spring clutter. From closets, to bookcases, to desk-tops. I need to carve out some time with my laptop to get some words down for next week's writing group meeting.

I haven't written in so long and writing used to be my salavation and now I've lost it or its lost me.

And with that, I'm off like a prom dress.

This Just In

Random things about me:

1. I wear a watch almost every day. My brother bought it for me, and it's a silver man type watch, but I never have the time set correctly.

2. I just got diagnosed with Skin Cancer. I'm awaiting my visit to the dermatologist. I was freaked out, but am doing a little better now. I did find out that it is National Skin Cancer Awareness Month, so please go get checked. I had no idea that I had anything wrong with me. Luckily a friend was looking out for me and noticed something wasn't right. Take advantage of the free skin screenings this month. Please. Hopping off my soap-box now.

3. Got some really nice sunblock from Clinque and the woman at the counter was really kind to me, and helped me find some good sunblock. I love the Clinque counter, so I figured anything that can make this situation a little brighter was well worth it. I've got some for my face that is a nice base to be worn under make-up.

4. In the last week while I was home sick, I've watched the following: Countless episodes of Beverly Hills 90210 season 2, Little Children, Entourage, Rocky III, and Sex and the City.

5. I've started reading books again. Read One for the Money, and Two for the Dough a series of books about a female bounty hunter by Janet Evanovich. Light, fun, and a perfect distraction.

6. Last night I bought 2 yes 2 songs by the GO Go's, and one from Henry Mancini on itunes.

7. My left foot is asleep and is buzzing right now.

8. My dad went into the hospital and is out again. Sick with his own cancer but is doing ok at the moment.

9. Shane forgot about me and saw Spiderman 3 without me. I am hoping to catch it soon.

10.Every time I listen to Cat Stevens, it makes me want to quit my job, buy a long skirt twirl in a field and teach kindergarten.

Sick of sick

I've been out of commission since the middle of last week. Some spring cold/flu ick thing, that's kept me imobile at home for the past 4 or 5 days.

Today was the day, I had to come back to the work force. Not so much had too but decided I couldn't stay at home anymore. I still don't feel quite right. I'm still more tired than I should be, and there's still a haze over my day and I can't wait to go take a nap, and I'm hoping the cough that takes over me stops disturbing all the neighbors.

Baby steps I suppose. Ah well. A work in progress I am. Besides there has been no work I've missed, and if I'm typing it looks like I'm really working on something.

Hopefully tomorrow, I can get back to the gym. And get this show on the road.

IT's HERE

I can hear the theme music now. The second season of Beverly Hills 90210 comes out today and I'm not to proud to admit that I will be buying the second season at some point in the near future.

BH90210 got me through high school. I have a sentimental soft spot for the cheesy shows, the height of romance between Brenda and Dylan, the love triangle of Kelly, Dylan and Brenda, the crazy Emily Valentine. I've heard that season 2 even has the summer episodes, the fun ones where Brandon started working at the Beach Club and all of it.

Judge if you will, but sometimes there isn't a greater escape than a good episode of bad tv.

In other news, I've stocked up all kinds of healthy foods for lunch to help accelerate my healthy eating and working out quest.

I hear the weather gods are gonna shine for the rest of the week, so that will hopefully keep my mood on the upside of sunny.

Hyatt Living

My weekend wasn't looking too exciting when I left work on Friday. As I mentioned, a doctor's appointment, the gym and then a quiet evening at home.

So I was delighted on Saturday afternoon when my friend Usha called and suggested we go out in Royal Oak Saturday night. I called and invited a few people, she did the same and a good time was had by all.

The weather was looking great so I suggested we head to Memphis Smoke and sit on the roof top deck for some drinks. It started raining after a bit, so we walked down the couple of blocks to Bastone and had dinner in the bottom part of the restaurant called Cinq. More Beligum beer and good conversation.

At one point, we'd all started talking about Cinco De Mayo, and one of the people from England asks, "what's Cinco de Mayo?"
To which another person responds: "It's basically St. Patrick's Day for Mexican People."

Every one broke up then, but Nevada and I weren't ready to call it quits, so we headed to Gusoline Alley and had some more drinks. Fun, fun. Good seats right next to the ATM machine made striking up conversation pretty easy.

After 2 rounds of drinks, we decided maybe we should head home. But we got sidetracked on the way and ended up stopping off at Leo's for a late night snack.

Sunday was one of those perfect Sundays for me. I woke up around 8:30, had coffee, laid on the couch, had some water, watched a little dvd of Inside the Actor's Studio, then got dressed and went for a walk out in the beautiful sunshine.

After, I came home took a shower, and started doing dishes, laundry and assorted housework. I took a nap, cleaned my room, talked to Shane, and then packed a bag.

Karlene had invited me to spend the night at the Hyatt in Dearborn, which is right next to my office. So I went there last night, had a free cheese plate, watched some good cable, hung out with Karlene, and she gave me her complimentary bottle of Merlot to take home.

This morning, I slept in, then took a shower in the best shower ever, got ready and then headed down for my free breakfast of Starbucks coffee, fresh pineapple, and a muffin.

After a three minute drive to work, I was here feeling refreshed and relaxed.

Good weekend. Much more than I'd hoped for.

Arm Hole

It's Friday night and I thought I'd check in. Busy week.

M-F, usual work related hoopla. Till Friday afternoon. Had a doctor's appointment today with my old school doctor. I needed to check on this thing on my arm, that hadn't gotten better or gone away. Rewind a few days and it looked exactly like this skin cancer picture in a health magazine, I'd decided to read while hanging out with my dad.

I was trying to cheer him up, he's been sick and has cancer to boot. So we hung out watched about 10 minutes of Gilmore Girls and then we watched a solid hour of COPS.

Now that's entertainment. Anyway, when I finally laid down as is my custom I read before bed, and that's when I saw the article on skin cancer.

So, this afternoon I went to my doctor where he froze the sore, removed it and now we wait for a week while they test it, to see if it's anything or nothing.

Then I went to my gym for a post doctor workout, then onto CVS to pick up my prescription and it was home for some couch time, where I watched Entourage and then cleaned out my cabinet under the bathroom sink.

Tomorrow is more of the same. Maybe I'll get crazy and go to a movie.

The Day of Will

Today is my younger brother's birthday. He goes by Will, but I've always called him BJ a childhood nickname that I can't shake, so neither can he. But he allows it since I'm his sister.

When we were young, BJ and I were playmates. Shane was already off to school which left BJ and I to hang out at home and play games. Batman and Robin in the backyard with my teeter toter, bike rides in the gravel driveway, and Mom and Honey.

BJ is probably one of the most unique people I've ever known in my lifetime. He is living in Floridia now and trying his best to find his own way.

Wishing him much love, happiness, and optimisim that things will work out.

Happy Birtday, B.

Love,
Kou

The UnderTaker Takes A Bride

So, a family wedding this past weekend at Meadow Brook Hall in Rochester.

My cousin Sean who is an undertaker, took a bride. They met at a funeral director's convention. Just goes to show if you're doing what you love, you're bound to meet somebody to love.

Very nice wedding. Excellent dinner. Dancing. Beautiful setting.

It was fun to see all the relatives too.

Recharged

Back from the north. It was a good trip. Just want I needed: Some relaxation, extra sleep, some shopping, and good tv.

I started watching Entourage a show on HBO which is really fun to watch, about a young Hollywood actor who is trying to make it in Hollywood and his entourage is four childhood friends.

Anyway. After stopping at Birch Run for a lotion run at Bath and Body, I'm feeling better.

I know my saddness will return, but I'll do my best to push it down, keep it at bay.

Now, it's back to work but the week is half over already, so hooray!

All of Me

I am lonely.

Funny, how hard that is to write. It makes me feel even more vulnurable, but there it is. It's weird that our culture allows for all kinds of sentences.

"I made a mistake."
"I'm an alcoholic."
"I killed my wife."

But somehow, admitting one is lonely is not really talked about. Behind closed doors it is hard to admit even to myself, let alone share it with other people. But I figured, I might as well say it. It's true. Yes, I have lots of friends. And parents who love me, and brothers who care. But it is not the same.

I'm tired of going to sleep alone every night. I'm tired of never having a shoulder to lay on while I watch tv. I wish I had someone's hand to hold sometime, somebody to hug. A person to call when I've had an awful day. A person who wants to make me feel better for that bad day.Somebody to laugh with, cry with, a person that was unequivoically on my side.


I don't.

Never have, really.

Not sure I ever will.

And that sentence was almost as hard to write as that first one.
I don't beleive in soul mates. Or the pomp and circumstance surronding a big wedded affair. After all, it's not about your outfit you wear to the party, it's more about who's going with you.

Not sure how to wrap this up in a pretty bow, so I'll just exit quietly, shutting the door on my way out.

Slumber Party

Not the seven grade variety. There will be no removal of bras, to be dipped in water and frozen. No scary stories, no kissing practice on flat pillows or hands.

Nope. This is my friend Karlene and her daughter Gywnn swooping down to cheer me up in my sad state.

Since we don't have to work on Friday, making it very good indeed, we are having a visit. I will then pack up and head to Leelanau. It is looking like my hopes for a pretty spring drive are being dashed, but it will be relaxing either way.

I find napping on the couch while listening to Robert Redford or Paul Newman was an excellent relaxation method.

Who needs yoga?

Easter Bonnets

If one could throw up emotions, I'd be heaving my guts out right now.

But since I can't, I'll just tell you that I'm leaving town on Friday and going up north to see my mom. She lives near Lake Leelanau, and she's invited me to spend Easter up there.

Sounds nice to get away, so I shall. I almost always feel better after one of those road trips. Maybe it's cause of all my own road-trip rituals that bring me comfort. For example, if I have to use the restroom while traveling, I will almost always stop at McDonald's. Why? It's usually generally clean, and you will always find a McDonald's no matter how small the town is.

By the time I'm at the Zilwaulkee Bridge, I always feel more relaxed and calm, and like I'm actually on vacation. I love trading in the burning up I-75 at record speeds for the slower, curvy 2 lane roads after Grayling. I like stopping sometimes at the Cherry Market in Kalkaska. They sell these tiny little clothes pin cookies that I swear are the tastiest cookie ever, and trust me, I eat a lot of cookies.

Then once I reach Traverse City, I feel as if I've arrived, even though I've got another 30 minutes. I love driving through Sutton's Bay and guessing what the movie playing will be, a childhood ritual that has stayed with me.

I love driving along M-22 and looking at Grand Traverse Bay.

When I arrive, my mom starts chattering non stop and she helps me carry all my stuff inside, usually commenting about how much stuff I've brought.

Then, we usually have a snack and then we head to the store to stock up snacks and goodies.

This year we're going out for Easter Brunch with my aunt at the Bluebird. A fine Easter dinner that none of us have to cook.

4 days of bliss will be upon me soon.