Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Wednesday Ramblings

It's unfortunate that this is most needy I've ever been in my life, and yet I hit a wall with friends. The availability just really isn't there.

It has forced me to be even more independent. And to seek out those that can see me on a whim. Mostly those people are my Nevada friends.
Which are certainly mine by now, but I use that descriptor as a way to explain who they are.

I needed those people that suffered as much as me, and I also need people who are not grieving, for breaks when needed. But I have had to adjust and because of that, I have to make some rules for myself for self preservation.I've stopped asking people to hang out. No matter if the reason is as valid as anything in the world, I can't keep getting rejected. It just adds sting to an already open wound. It's not intended as punishment, but rather a coping mechanism. I simply can't wait around for people to throw the little scraps of time my way. I'd be happy to hang out with people, but I have to let them ask me, after I've attempted it more than a dozen times. At some point, you're just begging, and who needs that?

Between Nevada's death and my dad's, the hole is huge in my life, and I can't really look to other people to fill that void. As lonely as I am, I still need to find my own way in the world.
It's certainly more difficult with the loss of one of my best friends, and the only father I'll ever have. And the lack of a significant other. The burden feels like it is mine to carry.
And even if there were someone significant in my life, I still would have a lot to figure out on my own. I realize no one can make me happy but myself.

That being said, I find I suffer from feeling left out of a lot of things that friends have. Husbands, kids etc. And yet, I don't know if I myself will go that path.
I hope to meet a love that is ever lasting, but who is to say, when and if that will be. And when I picture kids, I picture myself adopting for some reason.
If I even have kids. I still don't know and I guess since I'm not pregnant or even having sex, that's one worry I can cross off the list.

The fact of the matter is, that our lives are so very different.

Thus, so are my relationships.

But, they're are not going anywhere. True, some friends haven't been as involved in my daily life, they still care about the major things... birthdays, funerals, etc.
I don't have to wonder if they will show up.

They just do. Or their flowers, cards, gifts, scarves, and coffee do. :)
And that's what friendship is.

The truth is, we all do the best we can. I know they love me.

All I can hope for from anyone is that no matter how busy their lives get, they'll still find time for me in it.


Anonymous said...

It is good you know that we all do the best we can...and sometimes that is not enough when you are hurting. The trick is to learn to understand that no matter where you are in your own grief process---"they can't get there from here". Only you can choose to do--or not do that.

Barrie said...

Waiting for friends to call is tricky. I've done this approach myself and honestly, it just makes me feel shittier because the fact is some of my friends are not doers - they will always be the type who will just sit around waiting for someone to ask them to do something. I've learned I'm the doer, or as this one person, tangerine, calls it - I'm of the ask culture:

I think it rings so true. Don't give up, Kelly. Go ahead and ask when you need someone. They'll be there.